Grumpiest Old Men - The James Wrap Up

Grumpiest Old Men

James Wrap Up

Cast:  2 older men. These are longtime friends with much dryness to their banter.  This cast also includes a cameo appearance by the Church Mouse.

Set:  Anywhere a bench or 2 chairs may be set as a park bench.  Action proceeds in dialogue.  Script or notes may be hidden in props (newspaper) if used.  Both enter stage walking towards each other.

Lights up.

[Dragging himself across the stage as if it was the end of the world] Putz

Bonehead

Morrrrning

What’s up with you

I fell off a 60-foot ladder.

And you are still walking?

Yeah, I was just on the first rung.

[Shaking head in disgust, then recomposing for the conversation] Do you remember when…

I’m sure I do.  I have the memory of an elephant.

Really?

Yeah, when I was 11 years old, I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.  I still remember it.

I can see how I put up with you, but I don’t know how your wife does.

Easy.  I am a whiz come romancing time.

Really?

Take this last Valentine’s Day.

I thought you thought that was a big commercial scam?

Yeah,  but it has its benefits.

Oh?

I’m in Walmart thinking of what I could get her.

Man, you go all out.

So, I thought, I could get her 2 roses for five bucks or a whole rotisserie chicken.

And?

She got a wing and a leg.  Took care of the romancing and dinner all in one deal.

You are a nut!

No, I went back on February 15^th and got her some half price candy.

Did she get you anything?

Well, yeah!  She got me the link on how to climb a 60-foot ladder all the way to the top.

Priceless!

That’s right, you don’t have to pay for those links.  That was some good shopping.

Have you tried to climb that ladder yet?

No, she had some papers I have to sign first.  It has to do with climbing the ladder.

Papers?

The were AD&D papers.  She said it was the Adult Domestic Device warranty papers.  I think it’s a federal law or and OSHA thing something like that.

Yeah, something like that.  Did you sign them?

Yep.

I think AD&D stands for Accident Death and Dismemberment.

Whatever.  She just said reach for the stars.  I knew that rotisserie chicken would win her over.

ENTER THE CHURCH MOUSE

HEY GUYS!

What?

What?

Hey!  It’s that church mouse.

HEY!  IT’S THOSE TWO GRUMPY MEN FROM CHURCH!

Grumpy?

Grumpy?

THIS IS COMING AS A SURPRISE TO YOU?

Well.

I don’t, well…

I THOUGHT YOU GUYS WERE SUPPOSED TO BE TALKING ABOUT THE BOOK OF JAMES ALL MONTH LONG.

I think we were talking about the letter to Ephesus in Revelation.

What?

Remember the height from which you have fallen and repent!

YOU GUYS ARE THE PERFECT OBJECT LESSONS FOR WHAT NOT TO DO!

What!

What!

DO YOU REMEMBER THE CHARGE TO BE DOERS OF THE WORD?

Yeah, of course, I remember.  I have the memory of an elephant.

WHAT?

[Holding up both hands palms forward] Don’t go there.

YEAH, OK, BUT INSTEAD OF SPENDING ALL OF YOUR TIME ON THIS BENCH DISCUSSING ALL MANNER OF THINGS INSIGNIFICANT, YOU COULD BE INVESTING YOUR TIME PUTTING YOUR MASTER’S WORDS INTO PRACTICE.

Now we are dealing with an investment mouse.

Maybe she can teach you to climb the ladder of success.

I think you just want my wife to collect that AD&D money.  I’m staying off any ladders for a while.

DID YOU GUYS LEARN ANYTHING THIS PAST MONTH?

Yes:  Powerful

Yes:  Effective

WHAT?

The prayers of a righteous person are powerful…

And effective. 

OK.  SO HOW DOES THIS AFFECT YOUR LIFE?

The more that people get to know us…

The more people who know us say, “I’ll pray for you guys!”

We have been effectively powered by prAyer.

YEAH, OK. GOTCHA.  I’VE GOT TO GO.  I HEARD THERE WAS A BIG MEAL IN THE MAKIN’ SO I’VE GOT PLANS TO MAKE TO GET ME ENOUGH FOOD FOR A WEEK.

Plans.  Did she say plans?

You lay those plans at the feet of Jesus.  You submit those plans to him.

I KNOW.  IF THE LORD WILLS IT.  I’M THERE EVERY SUNDAY AND I DO PAY ATTENTION.

MOUSE EXITS.

I have to go too.

Plans to make?

Nope.  I still have half of a rotisserie chicken to eat.

Anything else?

And a ladder to sell.

Both exit.

The end.

Grumpiest Old Men

Grumpiest Old Men

Acts 4:36, 1 Thessalonians 5:11

Cast:  2 older men. These are long time friends with much dryness to their banter.

Set:  Anywhere a bench or 2 chairs may be set as a park bench.  Action proceeds in dialogue.  Script or notes may be hidden in props (newspaper) if used.  One friend is already center stage with lights down.  Second friend enters as lights come up.

Lights up.

First old man walks up to bench and sees friend already seated.

Putz.

Bonehead.

[Takes other seat available].  Whatever.

Why do you have to be that way?

Me?

Yes you.  Do you have a thorn in your shoe?

[Looking directly at his friend].  Yeah, I’ve got a thorn alright.

Stop it.   Why is it every time we meet here you are grumpy?

Well, you are always in my seat for one thing.

I didn’t know that.  Would you like to sit here?

Why yes, I would.

Show up earlier next time Bonehead.  This seat’s taken.

Putz.

[Momentary pause for the emotions to subside].

Saw some ducks flying south yesterday.

Great.

They were in a “V” formation.

Of course, they were.  They are ducks.  They only know so much alphabet.  There is no “W, X, Y or Z” formation.  They are ducks.

One side of the “V” was longer than the other.

Now you are criticizing duck formations?

Just wondering if you knew why?

Nobody knows why!  Do you know why one side of the duck “V” is longer than the other?

Of course.  There are more ducks on side.

Bonehead!

No, you’re the bonehead.  I’m…

Putz.  I know.

Actually, I think we are both just a couple of grumpy old men.

Your grumpier.

Your grumpiest.

Putz.

Bonehead.

Enough.  I can’t even remember your real name.

It’s Barney if you must know.

Short for Barnabas?

Yes.  Short for Barnabas.

OMG.

You are too old to OMG me.

No, I mean OMG did your parents ever get your name wrong.

What?

Barnabas means “Son of Encouragement.”

Really?

LOL.  I know.

You are too old and grumpy to LOL me.

Isn’t it ironic, don’t you think.  A little too ironic…

How do you know that Barnabas means “Son of Encouragement?”

I have been studying my Bible.

Really?

Yes.  I go to a Bible study group.

They let you in?

Sure.

I don’t believe that.

OK.  I have to host the group, make the coffee, have cake and cookies, and clean up when we are done.

Maybe, if you also parked their cars and provide a valet service I might believe you.

I was keeping that part secret.

I still wouldn’t let you in my Bible study. 

You have a Bible study?

No, but if I did, there would be a no bonehead rule.

Putz.

What was your Bible study about?

This week we read the 5^th chapter of 1^st Thessalonians.

What was it about?

We are supposed to encourage one another and build up one another.

Now there’s your irony for you.

What?

We are supposed to be encouraging each other.  I think we missed the boat on that one.

Not too late to change, is it?

I don’t know.  Should we give it a try.

OK.  My hope is that you have a wonderful day and I will see you tomorrow, Putz.

Fair enough.  May you get your old bones up early tomorrow and get here in time to get this seat, Bonehead.

[Both stand].

I think we’ve got the hang of this encouraging stuff.

[Both walk off stage in separate directions].

See you tomorrow, Bonehead.

Later, Putz.

The end.