Grumpiest Old Men - The James Wrap Up

Grumpiest Old Men

James Wrap Up

Cast:  2 older men. These are longtime friends with much dryness to their banter.  This cast also includes a cameo appearance by the Church Mouse.

Set:  Anywhere a bench or 2 chairs may be set as a park bench.  Action proceeds in dialogue.  Script or notes may be hidden in props (newspaper) if used.  Both enter stage walking towards each other.

Lights up.

[Dragging himself across the stage as if it was the end of the world] Putz

Bonehead

Morrrrning

What’s up with you

I fell off a 60-foot ladder.

And you are still walking?

Yeah, I was just on the first rung.

[Shaking head in disgust, then recomposing for the conversation] Do you remember when…

I’m sure I do.  I have the memory of an elephant.

Really?

Yeah, when I was 11 years old, I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.  I still remember it.

I can see how I put up with you, but I don’t know how your wife does.

Easy.  I am a whiz come romancing time.

Really?

Take this last Valentine’s Day.

I thought you thought that was a big commercial scam?

Yeah,  but it has its benefits.

Oh?

I’m in Walmart thinking of what I could get her.

Man, you go all out.

So, I thought, I could get her 2 roses for five bucks or a whole rotisserie chicken.

And?

She got a wing and a leg.  Took care of the romancing and dinner all in one deal.

You are a nut!

No, I went back on February 15^th and got her some half price candy.

Did she get you anything?

Well, yeah!  She got me the link on how to climb a 60-foot ladder all the way to the top.

Priceless!

That’s right, you don’t have to pay for those links.  That was some good shopping.

Have you tried to climb that ladder yet?

No, she had some papers I have to sign first.  It has to do with climbing the ladder.

Papers?

The were AD&D papers.  She said it was the Adult Domestic Device warranty papers.  I think it’s a federal law or and OSHA thing something like that.

Yeah, something like that.  Did you sign them?

Yep.

I think AD&D stands for Accident Death and Dismemberment.

Whatever.  She just said reach for the stars.  I knew that rotisserie chicken would win her over.

ENTER THE CHURCH MOUSE

HEY GUYS!

What?

What?

Hey!  It’s that church mouse.

HEY!  IT’S THOSE TWO GRUMPY MEN FROM CHURCH!

Grumpy?

Grumpy?

THIS IS COMING AS A SURPRISE TO YOU?

Well.

I don’t, well…

I THOUGHT YOU GUYS WERE SUPPOSED TO BE TALKING ABOUT THE BOOK OF JAMES ALL MONTH LONG.

I think we were talking about the letter to Ephesus in Revelation.

What?

Remember the height from which you have fallen and repent!

YOU GUYS ARE THE PERFECT OBJECT LESSONS FOR WHAT NOT TO DO!

What!

What!

DO YOU REMEMBER THE CHARGE TO BE DOERS OF THE WORD?

Yeah, of course, I remember.  I have the memory of an elephant.

WHAT?

[Holding up both hands palms forward] Don’t go there.

YEAH, OK, BUT INSTEAD OF SPENDING ALL OF YOUR TIME ON THIS BENCH DISCUSSING ALL MANNER OF THINGS INSIGNIFICANT, YOU COULD BE INVESTING YOUR TIME PUTTING YOUR MASTER’S WORDS INTO PRACTICE.

Now we are dealing with an investment mouse.

Maybe she can teach you to climb the ladder of success.

I think you just want my wife to collect that AD&D money.  I’m staying off any ladders for a while.

DID YOU GUYS LEARN ANYTHING THIS PAST MONTH?

Yes:  Powerful

Yes:  Effective

WHAT?

The prayers of a righteous person are powerful…

And effective. 

OK.  SO HOW DOES THIS AFFECT YOUR LIFE?

The more that people get to know us…

The more people who know us say, “I’ll pray for you guys!”

We have been effectively powered by prAyer.

YEAH, OK. GOTCHA.  I’VE GOT TO GO.  I HEARD THERE WAS A BIG MEAL IN THE MAKIN’ SO I’VE GOT PLANS TO MAKE TO GET ME ENOUGH FOOD FOR A WEEK.

Plans.  Did she say plans?

You lay those plans at the feet of Jesus.  You submit those plans to him.

I KNOW.  IF THE LORD WILLS IT.  I’M THERE EVERY SUNDAY AND I DO PAY ATTENTION.

MOUSE EXITS.

I have to go too.

Plans to make?

Nope.  I still have half of a rotisserie chicken to eat.

Anything else?

And a ladder to sell.

Both exit.

The end.

Grumpiest Old Men - More from James

Grumpiest Old Men

James Across the Board

Cast:  2 older men. These are longtime friends with much dryness to their banter.

Set:  Anywhere a bench or 2 chairs may be set as a park bench.  Action proceeds in dialogue.  Script or notes may be hidden in props (newspaper) if used.  Both enter stage walking towards each other.

Lights up.

Putz

Bonehead.

[Both take seats and break out a newspaper.]

So, how’s life treating you?

Are you kidding me?

No.  That’s what I always ask you.  Then you get grumpy.

Well, you would get grumpy too if you were reading a book that said to consider it pure joy when you face all sorts of trials.

Didn’t we go through that before?

No.  We talked about it before.  Now I’m going through it.

Oh.

And this being a doer of the word is no walk in the park either.

You mean actually putting the things that Jesus told us into practice.

That’s what I’m talking about.

OK.

And I also have to watch my tongue.

Did you get it pierced?

No.  I have to watch what I say.

Yeah, I guess we all have to do that, don’t we?

If we get it wrong, small words can start big controversies.

Like a spark starting a huge forest fire.

Yep.

You are going to be proud of me.  I mean this is brownie points stuff.  This is so, so, so big!!!

You got a humility award?

No.  I can’t even tell how much water is in the air.

That’s humidity.

I didn’t get that award either.

Maybe next year.

Yeah, maybe.  Hey!  Quit distracting me.  I’m doing something big this Sunday.

Singing a special?

No.

Goooood, because our insurance is void if you get within 10 feet of the choir microphone.

What?

Last time people thought you were going to sing; three people fell and we had two broken arms as everybody the rushed the exit.

Yeah, ok, but this is going to be big.

OK, what is it.

I’m coming in 30 minutes early this Sunday to prepare some VIP seating.  I’m going to put out the reserved signs like we do at funerals and have some of those petite bottles of water at the ready.  Would popcorn be too much?

What?

You’re right.  No popcorn.  Maybe granola bars.

No, I’m not talking about popcorn.  I’m talking about showing favoritism.

What’s wrong with that.  We might get a little credibility if we had some big shots around here.  Come on, everybody does it.

Credibility?

Yeah, we might get some church street cred if we got us a Rapper or millionaire or a politician.

This place that you are going to fancy up for the big shots is called what?

A sanctuary.  Everybody knows that.

Who is honored and revered and praised in that place?

Since we don’t have any bigshots, just God.

If it was full of big shots, who should be honored?

This is a trick question, isn’t it?

Only for you.

OK, only God should be honored.

What do you think the bigshots need more than special privileges?

I’m going to go with truth and ministry.  I think they get enough special privileges everywhere else.

Good answer.  Now what if someone who looks like they have been wearing the same clothes all week comes to worship.

That’s easy.  They can have those seats way in the back.  Out of sight.  Out of mind, you know.

What?

I have been spraying extra Lysol back in that corner, just in case.

Have you been reading the book of James?

Yes, sort of, I needed a break.

You needed a break?

OK, I just took a break.

Are you throwing in the towel?

No, I want to be a disciple of Jesus.

Not just a member of a cosmic country club?

No, I want to follow Jesus.

OK, we will meet each day from now on to talk about the day’s reading.

Sort of like an accountability partner.

Something like that.

It could be challenging.

I’m counting on it.  It should be pure joy!

OK, get this.  Two blondes walk into a building.

What?

You think one of them would have seen it.  [Laughs at own joke]

[Rolling his eyes] We will talk about taming the tongue tomorrow.  Get back to your reading.

Bonehead exits with palms up.  You think one of them would have seen it. [Laughing again].

Both exit.

The end