Grumpiest Old Men
James Across the Board
Cast: 2 older men. These
are longtime friends with much dryness to their banter.
Set: Anywhere a bench or 2 chairs may be set as a park bench. Action proceeds in dialogue. Script or notes may be hidden in props (newspaper) if used. Both enter stage walking towards each other.
Lights up.
Putz
Bonehead.
[Both take seats and break out a
newspaper.]
So, how’s life treating you?
Are you kidding
me?
No.
That’s what I always ask you.
Then you get grumpy.
Well, you would
get grumpy too if you were reading a book that said to consider it pure joy
when you face all sorts of trials.
Didn’t we go through that before?
No. We talked about it before. Now I’m going through it.
Oh.
And this being a
doer of the word is no walk in the park either.
You mean actually putting the things
that Jesus told us into practice.
That’s what I’m
talking about.
OK.
And I also have
to watch my tongue.
Did you get it pierced?
No. I have to watch what I say.
Yeah, I guess we all have to do that,
don’t we?
If we get it
wrong, small words can start big controversies.
Like a spark starting a huge forest
fire.
Yep.
You are going to be proud of me. I mean this is brownie points stuff. This is so, so, so big!!!
You got a
humility award?
No.
I can’t even tell how much water is in the air.
That’s humidity.
I didn’t get that award either.
Maybe next year.
Yeah, maybe. Hey!
Quit distracting me. I’m doing
something big this Sunday.
Singing a
special?
No.
Goooood, because our
insurance is void if you get within 10 feet of the choir microphone.
What?
Last time people
thought you were going to sing; three people fell and we had two broken arms as
everybody the rushed the exit.
Yeah, ok, but this is going to be big.
OK, what is it.
I’m coming in 30 minutes early this
Sunday to prepare some VIP seating. I’m
going to put out the reserved signs like we do at funerals and have some of
those petite bottles of water at the ready.
Would popcorn be too much?
What?
You’re right. No popcorn.
Maybe granola bars.
No, I’m not
talking about popcorn. I’m talking about
showing favoritism.
What’s wrong with that. We might get a little credibility if we had
some big shots around here. Come on,
everybody does it.
Credibility?
Yeah, we might get some church street
cred if we got us a Rapper or millionaire or a politician.
This place that
you are going to fancy up for the big shots is called what?
A sanctuary. Everybody knows that.
Who is honored
and revered and praised in that place?
Since we don’t have any bigshots, just
God.
If it was full of
big shots, who should be honored?
This is a trick question, isn’t it?
Only for you.
OK, only God should be honored.
What do you think
the bigshots need more than special privileges?
I’m going to go with truth and
ministry. I think they get enough
special privileges everywhere else.
Good answer. Now what if someone who looks like they have
been wearing the same clothes all week comes to worship.
That’s easy. They can have those seats way in the
back. Out of sight. Out of mind, you know.
What?
I have been spraying extra Lysol back
in that corner, just in case.
Have you been
reading the book of James?
Yes, sort of, I needed a break.
You needed a
break?
OK, I just took a break.
Are you throwing
in the towel?
No, I want to be a disciple of Jesus.
Not just a member
of a cosmic country club?
No, I want to follow Jesus.
OK, we will meet
each day from now on to talk about the day’s reading.
Sort of like an accountability
partner.
Something like
that.
It could be challenging.
I’m counting on
it. It should be pure joy!
OK, get this. Two blondes walk into a building.
What?
You think one of them would have seen
it. [Laughs at own joke]
[Rolling his eyes] We will talk about
taming the tongue tomorrow. Get back to
your reading.
Bonehead exits with palms up. You think one of them would have seen it.
[Laughing again].
Both exit.
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