You might be a Pastor...

Not a skit or drama per se, but could be a monologue used for humor, perhaps during Pastor Appreciation Month. 

You might be a pastor…

If anyone has ever approached you saying only, “You know that verse about love in the Bible…” and expected you to give chapter and verse, then you might be a pastor.

If you gave them the exact verse they were looking for on your first offering, then you might be a pastor.

If people start running for the exits when you walk near the choir director’s microphone, then you might be a pastor.

If you find a typo in your notes in a single glance, but find one in the bulletin only after the last copy is made, then you might be a pastor.

If you chose your doctor and dentist based upon the version of the Bible they have in the waiting room, then you might be a pastor.

If you have considered a career change to TV producer—who wouldn’t watch CSI Golgotha, then you might be a pastor.

If you have a sermon to go with every down and distance likely to occur in a football game, then you might be a pastor.

If people feel obliged to purposefully interchange the world seminary and cemetery in light conversation around you, then you might be a pastor.

If other people you know interchange these two words believing them to be synonymous, then you might be a pastor.

If you have learned not to use words like synonymous in conversation so you don’t have to explain that it has nothing to do with sin or anonymity, then you might be a pastor.

If the minutes of the last meeting ever included the phrase, “everyone was in favor and the vote was anonymous,” then you might be a pastor--and you knew not to say anything.

If you can pick up a conversation when someone walks into your office after eight months and says, “You remember that thing we were talking about,” then you might be a pastor.

When looking at some of the more colorful Facebook posts of your congregation, the only comment that you can make on many of them is “so that grace may abound even more,” then you might be a pastor.

If someone asks you where the dish is that they brought to the fellowship meal three years ago, then you might be a pastor.

If you take them right to their dish without hesitation, then you might be a pastor.

If you have been microwaving your lunch in that same dish for the past two years, then you might be a pastor.

If you can’t remember what today is but do remember the lectionary selections, then you might be a pastor.

If people keep dropping off used dryers at your house because you talk about Lent for over a month each year, then you might be a pastor.

If you can find three sermons in every country and western song, then you might be a pastor.

Sausage and Sermons

Sausage and Sermons

Title dedicated to Dr. Thomas D. Campbell of the Cumberland Presbyterian Church

Jeremiah 29:11

Cast:  Two people, one playing the pastor.  Any gender or age.  Both in jogging suits.

Set:  Any.  Action is brought about completely in dialogue though the two will simulate running or walking as part of a morning exercise routine.  Action could also begin at the end of a run with both picking up towels.  The end of run set provides opportunities to hide notes with the set.

So you had two flats and then your battery went dead?  On the same trip?

Yep.

That’s gotta stink.

Grist for the mill.

OK.  Whatever.  And they doubled your insurance rate last month.

Sure enough.

I’ll bet that sent you through the roof.

Just more to consider.

And you really waited 4 hours at the dentist to get in.  I thought it was emergency surgery.

I did.  It was.

That’s really some…  I mean you ought to protest or something.

It’s okay.  I read their Bible for most of the time and actually got to catch up on my Facebook for a little bit.

Yesterday when you gave me a ride and that guy cut you off.

Yes.

I soooo wanted you to pass him, get out, and kick his rude self to kingdom come.

Me too.

Really?

Sure.  For a moment.  But I figured the thought would be better filed for future use.

You know that I like you, right?

Yes.

But, pastor—dude—your answers are just weird.

I see.  Let me ask you something.

Go for it.

Do you like sausage?

Yes.

Sausage biscuits?

Yes.

With gravy?

Even better.

Sausage and eggs?

Yes.  Throw in some Texas Toast and I’ll call it a party.

Have you ever watched someone make sausage?

I did for a little while, then sort of lost my appetite for sausage for a while.

I see.  So one more question.

OK.

Would you rather watch someone make sausage or eat sausage?

I would much rather eat it.  I don’t even want to remember how it is made.

There you go.

What?

Do you get something out of my sermons?

Every time.

Then maybe you don’t need to worry how they come about.

What?

There are two things that most people never need to see made…

One of them is sausage.

And the other?

Sermons?

Exactly.  Now you’ve got it.

I’m not sure that I do.

You remember Jeremiah 29:11?

For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Very good!

Thanks.               

Once, I was called to be a pastor, I knew that everything that came my way would refine me somehow.  Somehow, God would use it for good.  Somehow, I would grow from it.

Yeah, okay, sure?

Or at least give me some good grist for the mill in my next sermon.

That’s good for you, you are a pastor.

It’s good for you too.  You are his disciple.

Sounds like that whole pick up your cross daily bit.

Sounds like.

That’s a load to think on.

It is.  Want to go get some breakfast?  We could discuss it more there. 

Sure.  What’s your favorite?

Biscuits and sermon gravy.

Don’t give up your day job.

Let’s get something to eat.

                             

Both exit.

The end.