Grumpiest Old Men - James 2

Grumpiest Old Men

James 2

Cast:  2 older men. These are longtime friends with much dryness to their banter.

Set:  Anywhere a bench or 2 chairs may be set as a park bench.  Action proceeds in dialogue.  Script or notes may be hidden in props (newspaper) if used.  Both enter stage walking towards each other.

Lights up.

Putz

Bonehead.

[Both take seats and break out a newspaper.]

So, how’s life treating you?

You know, running the good race.

That’s good.  Paul’s second letter to Timothy.  Good stuff.  Run the good race, fight the good fight, keep the faith.  Good stuff.

So you have been running a good race yourself?

I just said the words, didn’t I?

I’m just trying to be a good listener.

Man, that’s fantastic.  Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry…

I was just thinking…

I’m not finished, because man’s anger can not bring about the righteous life that God desires.

[Sacastically]  Good stuff. [Rolls eyes at being interrupted].

Quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger—man, I get this stuff.

It’s like I said earlier.

What?  You said something?

That’s ok.  Forgive me for taking a turn in this conversation.

Not a problem.  Got you covered.  If we confess our sins, God is faithful and just to forgive.

That’s good stuff alright.  You confessed lately.

Not exactly.  But I know me some Bible.  Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

That’s a good one.  Are you putting your faith into practice?

What do you mean?  I just said you can’t see it.

What if you could see it?

That wouldn’t make sense.

What if by what I did, you knew that I had faith?

How does that even make sense?

What if there is more to our faith than just saying we have it?

It sounds like you want me to do stuff to earn my salvation.

Nope.

Sounds like it.  I am saved by grace through faith.  It’s in the Bible.  I think that Peter guy said it.

It was Paul.

Whatever.  I didn’t do anything to receive my salvation.

Couldn’t have said it better myself.

So, what’s with this doing stuff—works, deeds, whatever?

Since you asked…

I didn’t mean to.

What happened to quick to listen?

Give me a break.

God gave you—us—a big break.  Grace is bigtime.  Don’t you think we should do something in response to his incredible gift?

Yeah, ok, like what?

Put his words into practice.

That’s like the man that built his house on solid rock.

Exactly.  James would call that being a doer of the word.

That implies that I would need to do something.

Yep.

To get my salvation?

Nope.  Because you have received salvation.

So, faith and works work together?

Exactly.

As the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without works is dead.

Exactly.  Want to start putting some of God’s word into practice?

Sounds scary.

My turn.  For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind.

Yeah, OK.

So, you are up to putting God’s word into practice?

You mean being a doer of the word?

Yes.

Sure.  I wonder if there is an opening in the consulting department?

What!

I’m really good at giving my opinion.

I’m thinking there is an immediate opening for you in the slow to speak & quick to listen department.

[Palms upward feigning shock].

Both exit.

The end.

Month of the Bible Mouse

Month of the Bible Mouse

James 2-3

Cast:  1 person—adult or youth—who does not mind scurrying around on the stage.

Equipment:  Wireless microphone.  Costume optional.

Lights up

[Walking onstage and looking down and shaking head back and forth].

Unbelievable!  Totally unbelievable.  I can’t believe I did that.

We had been friends for years.  I wanted to share my New Year’s resolution with her—she had been my best friend for years. 

So, I said that this year I was going to be more tactful.  The next thing I know, I said to her:  I’ll bet yours is to lose weight and get your teeth straightened. 

Where did that come from?  I can’t believe the things that I say sometimes.

I really didn’t expect that it would cause the trouble that it did.  It was like a spark setting a whole forest on fire. 

It was like a tiny rudder on a big ship and the next thing you know the ship has turned into an iceberg.  I’ve got a Titanic Tongue and my ship is sinking.

You can tame about any animal that you want, but the human tongue is a wild beast.  If I was a horse, somebody would have put a bit in my mouth and bridled me. 

[Looking at the audience and surprised!]

Whoa!  Not whoa like you say to a horse—yes, I know I was using a horse reference—but whoa like when did you people get here?  Where did you come from?

I’m glad to see that you saved some good seats up front, just in case some celebrities show up.  Yeah, you had better treat them right.  They deserve the Red-Carpet Treatment.

I see that you have saved some seats for the undesirables in the back.  Sorry, some of those are already taken.  [Waving hands at the back seats].  At least you know where to sit.

OK, one for two isn’t bad.  You still have some reserved seats in case the big shots and high rollers come in.

What am I saying?  I can’t believe what I am saying this morning.  Save seats for the big shots.  Those are the same people that will drag you into court if you are late on your rent.  These are the same people who forget to pay you for cutting their grass.   Why would we show them favoritism?

That’s like mice showing the Terminator where to set traps and leave poison.  Why would we do that unless we had been brainwashed by the world?

Those that we might call undesirable might just have more hunger for the word of truth than most of us.  I think I have this upside down.

I need to get right-side up.  But what can I do?  I’m just a church mouse.  What can I do?

[Picks up a crumpled paper off the floor and reads it aloud].

IS YOUR WORLD UPSIDE DOWN?  DO YOU WANT TO TRY TO GET RIGHT SIDE UP?

JOIN US FOR THE MONTH OF THE BIBLE AS WE TAKE ON THE BOOK OF JAMES.

Note to the timid:  This will take you out of your comfort zone!

Now that sounds like it might be worth working into my busy schedule. 

[Looks at the audience.]  What do you say?  Are you up for the challenge?

[Begins to walk off, then stops.  Looks at audience].

You know what would be good?  Study the book of James all month and then have a big meal at the end.  I love the stuff that you guys bring for fellowship meals.

You guys keep on studying and get that meal together and I will work on what I say.  I mean you can’t curse and praise the Lord out of the same mouth, not if you really want to follow Jesus. 

And, of course, don’t feel guilty about dropping a whole deviled egg on the floor during the meal.  I will just consider it a good gift from above.

Every good gift is from above.

Later, church peeps!

Exit.

Grumpiest Old Men - James 1

Grumpiest Old Men

James 1

Cast:  2 older men. These are longtime friends with much dryness to their banter.

Set:  Anywhere a bench or 2 chairs may be set as a park bench.  Action proceeds in dialogue.  Script or notes may be hidden in props (newspaper) if used.  Both enter stage walking towards each other.

Lights up.

Putz

Bonehead.

[Both take seats and break out a newspaper.]

So, how’s life treating you?

You know, running the good race.

That’s good.

[Putz stares at Bonehead’s shoes and then at bonehead.

Bonehead stares back.

Back and forth stares continue for a few rounds.]

What?

You have your shoes on the wrong feet.

[Back and forth stares resume.

Bonehead raises hands with palms upward.]

Wrong feet?

Wrong feet.

These are the only feet that I have.

Why do I put up with you?

Maybe because I help you grow.

What?

Maybe, I am a trial in your race of faith and I help you grow.

Where did you come up with that?

The Bible.

You are not supposed to be making stuff up and claiming it’s in the Bible.

I’m not.  It’s right here in the book of James.

[Sacastically]  Right.

It’s there alright as sure as my shoes are on the right feet.

That doesn’t sound like biblespeak.

What?

You, know, biblespeak.  Thou shalt not.  Thus saith the Lord.  And he spaketh to them a parable.

OK, I get it.  But it’s in the Bible, the first part of the first chapter of James.

That your boneheadedness is helping me grow?

Actually, James says to consider it pure joy whenever you face trials of many kinds.

That’s an ox, moron.

Don’t call me a moron!

What else can I call it.  Joy and trials don’t go together.  It’s an ox moron.

Oh, you mean oxymoron.

Yeah, one of them things.

That’s what makes reading James fun.  He challenges us with things that disrupt our comfort zones.

Why would he do that.  Is he some kind of rabble rouser?

If you are comfortable in your discipleship just the way it is, then that is exactly what he is.

What if I like my comfort zone but know that I need to grow?

Then James is the perfect book to read.

But considering my trials to be joy—pure joy at that—just doesn’t seem to fit.

It’s this testing of our faith that produces perseverance and spiritual growth.

Isn’t there another way?

You tell me.  If you want to get strong physically but you won’t put any weights on the lifting bar, how strong do you think you will get?

You are not going to accomplish much unless your have some resistance in your strength program.  Trust me, I didn’t get this fine specimen of a body overnight.

Obviously.

So what you are saying…

What James is saying…

Is that I should look at the things the world throws at me like adding weights to the bar so I can grow in my faith.

Now you’ve got it.

So that covers the Book of James?  I’m feeling good about that.

Oh, there is more.

Much more?

Much more.

Okay, maybe I’ll start reading it.

Do it daily.

Daily?

That’s the challenge.

I’ll need some help.

I know some people who will pray for you.

Will that help?

Their prayers are powerful and effective, but we will get to that part later.

Then until next time.

Next time.

Make sure that your shoes are on the right feet.

Both exit.

The end.

Christmas Mouse 2019

Christmas Mouse

Christmas 2019

John 1:14

Cast:  1 person—adult or youth—who does not mind scurrying around on the stage.

Equipment:  Wireless microphone.  Costume optional.

Church mouse enters—makes a bold entrance into the sanctuary—and is very much aware and expecting to see that there are people in the pews.  The mouse has something to say to those present and dives right into the monologue.

I knew that you guys would be here and that the food would be excellent.  I didn’t even wait for you guys to drop something on the floor.  While nobody was looking, I scarfed down two deviled eggs.  Nobody will notice after the first few people go through the line.

You guys are no surprise to me anymore.  I’ve got you figured out, especially at this time of year, and because I knew you would be here, I thought you deserved something extra.  Here we go.

[Mouse goes into standup routine].

So, why is 6 afraid of 7?  Because 7 ate (8) 9.

As I was going to St. Ives, I met a man with 7 wives, 7 wives with 7 sacks, 7 sacks with 7 cats:  How many were going to St. Ives?

Why only 1, just me.  I was going to St. Ives.  The rest were headed the other way.

How many of each type of animal did Moses put on the Ark?  None.  Noah loaded the ark.  Gotcha!

You might have to think about this one.  You are heading into a very dark cave.  You have a candle, a torch, and a lantern, but you only have 1 match.  Which do you light first?

Why the match, of course.

[Over acting, taking bows, feeling good about himself]

Well, I hope you enjoyed the show.  It was my present to you.  But here’s the thing, I would like you to give me a present this year.  It’s not that I am not grateful for those 2 slices of banana bread that you forgot dropped on the floor last week.  I was very thankful for those.

Here is what I would like you to give me and others this year. 

Share the love of God wherever you go.

Live in the favor of God and invite others to join you.

And sing Happy Birthday to Jesus this year.  He is the reason that you are all here.  He is the reason that you may know joy in your heart.

Let’s just sing it now.

[Bold hand gestures as if leading the choir or orchestra]

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday dear Jesus,

Happy birthday to you.

You have heard the traditional Christmas story.  Now listen to the shortest Christmas story.

The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.

May God bless you each and every one.

Exit

The end.

Grumpiest Old Men Stop Grumbling

Grumpiest Old Men

Philippians 2:14-16

Cast:  2 older men. These are longtime friends with much dryness to their banter.

Set:  Anywhere a bench or 2 chairs may be set as a park bench.  Action proceeds in dialogue.  Script or notes may be hidden in props (newspaper) if used.  One friend is already center stage with lights down.  The second friend enters as lights come up.

Lights up.

The first old man walks up to bench and sees friend already seated.

Putz

Bonehead

Cut me some slack

Why? What?

Then don’t.  Just be that way.

Man, you’ve got it bad this morning.

Tell me about it.

Since I don’t know what’s eating you, why don’t you tell me.

OK, if I have to.

Well, you don’t have to, but…

I knew it.  Not even my best buddy wants to hear what’s going on.

That’s not what I said.

Now you’re even kicking me to the curb.

What in tarnation are you talking about?

The preacher has us memorizing words out of the Bible.

You mean scripture?

Yeah.  That’s it.

Doesn’t sound that bad.

Well you’re not the one having to use the extra brain cells.

I can see how that might be challenging to you.

Now you’re picking on me.

I always pick on you and at you.  That’s what we do.

Whatever.

Why don’t you tell me what you are supposed to memorize?

Yeah, OK.  I’ve got it here somewhere.

Go ahead.

It’s Philippians 2:14.

What does Philippians 2:14 say?

[Mumbling]  Do everything without grumbling or arguing

What?  Stop mumbling.

So you want me to stop mumbling and God’s word says stop grumbling.  This is cutting into my persona.

Yeah, OK.  Say the verse again.

Do everything without grumbling or arguing.

Hey, I remember that verse.

Great, now I’m a dummy for not knowing it.

No, no, no.  It’s the start of a much larger thought.

There’s more?

Of course, there is more.  The Bible is more than just a bunch of one-liners.

So what’s the more?

Listen to this:  Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, “children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.” Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky as you hold firmly to the word of life.

That’s pretty cool.  I wonder why we don’t memorize the whole thing?

Look how much you grumbled over a few words to memorize.

Point taken.  But if we aren’t arguing and complaining, what will we talk about?

That will cut into our lifestyle.

That’s for sure.

How about we talk about shining like stars in a world that’s a complete mess?

You and me shining like stars?

Yep!

I can dig it.  Let’s shine all day long, everywhere we go, with everyone we see…

Whoa.  Hold your horses, let’s not go overboard!

Quit grumbling about it.  Don’t you read your Bible?  No grumbling!

[Raising hands in surrender]  OK!  Let’s shine like stars.

Exit.

The end.

New Year's Eve Mouse

New Year’s Eve Mouse 2018

John 10:10, John 13:34-35

Cast:  1 person—adult or youth—who does not mind scurrying around on the stage.

Equipment:  Wireless microphone.  Costume optional. 

Church mouse enters—makes a bold entrance into the sanctuary—and is very much aware and expecting to see that there are people in the pews.  The mouse has something to say to those present and dives right into the monologue.

Hey guys!  I was hoping you would be here.  I know, I know, I’ve been out for a while, so I was hoping I would have a chance to explain.

[Wiping forehead]  Whew!  Fifteen bowl games in ten days.  That was some living, let me tell you!

Oh, I didn’t go to the games or even watch them, but I sure cleaned up on some pretzels, nachos, pizza, and chips and dip.  I didn’t know there was so much variety, but you find you a house or two with a big screen and snacks go a flying with just about every touchdown.

People yell “Boomer” and before someone says “Sooner” there’s a little smokie or a pig in a blanket hitting the floor.

Top that off with some Christmas parties.  Yeah, I know I should have been here, but meatballs and cheese balls and popcorn balls were a callin’.  Deck the halls with balls of popcorn, fa la la la la, you get the idea.

Eat, drink, and be merry for tomorrow you may die.  Live it up, that’s what I say.  I never met a cheeseball I didn’t like.

I am already looking for a New Year’s Eve party with lots of drinking and by that, I mean lots of spilled snacks.  People stumbling all over the place.  I don’t even have to worry about being seen.  Having someone fall on me is another story but I can start eating as soon as someone says “Cheers.”

That’s the life.  Sometimes it’s good just to make everything all about me.  That’s some living.

[Long pause.  Thinker’s pose]

Well except for this empty feeling inside of me.  You would think with all that I have been eating that I would be full, very full.  But I’m not.  Something feels empty inside.

I think that I know, but I don’t really want to admit it, or maybe I do.  Maybe that’s why I’m here today.

For the past couple weeks or so, I haven’t done anything for anyone else.  It’s all been about me.  It seemed like fun at the time, but I just don’t feel full.

I have heard you guys talk about Jesus wanting us to have life and live it to the full.  He didn’t say eat it until you’re full.  I think I need to get back to this love one another stuff.

I think I had better get back to regarding others more highly than myself.

I think that I am starving to help somebody.  Is that a metaphor or just creative syntax?  Whatever it is, it’s how I feel.

I need to love my neighbors more than I need to stuff my face, and I’ve had some good stuffing over the past few weeks.  I just keep rambling on and on, and what I need to do is put some of these thoughts into action.

So, I wrap up here by saying:

Merry Christmas!

Happy New Year!

Oh, oh, oh, I don’t want to forget this one:  LOVE ONE ANOTHER.  Love one another.  That’s the ticket right there.  Love one another.

Exit.

The end.

Grumpiest Old Men - The Wise Men

Grumpiest Old Men

The Wise Men

Cast:  2 older men. These are longtime friends with much dryness to their banter.  Both are in robes (any sort).

Set:  Anywhere a bench or 2 chairs may be set as a park bench.  Action proceeds in dialogue.  Script or notes may be hidden in props (newspaper) if used.  One friend is already center stage with lights down.  Second friend enters as lights come up.

Lights up.

Putz

Bonehead

Hey!  What happened to Merry Christmas?

Merry Christmas, Bonehead.

Happy Holy Days, Putz.

Really, I’m just not in the ‘Tis the Season mood yet.

I get it.  Stress, gift lists, one gathering after another.

No. 

What?

I got a part in a Christmas play.

What?  The Grinch?

Funny.  I have been cast as a wise man.

Oh, it’s a comedy?

Oh, you’re funny.

You’re the one in the comedy.  I guess that explains the getup.

It’s a wardrobe not a getup.

What’s that on your backside?

[Stands up and looks]  What?

See, I made you get up.

You’re not funny.

A second ago you said that I was.

Well fine.  By the way, what’s with your getup?

I have a role in a Christmas play as well.

Really?

Yes, I’m a Maji.

Do you know what a Maji is?

Somebody like Obe Wan Kinobe or a big shot of sorts.  But one that doesn’t have to wear a suit and tie.

You’re a wise man.

Thank you.  That probably took a lot to admit.

No Bonehead!  You are a wise man in the play just like me.

I was counting on getting a lightsaber.

You’re probably getting Myrrh.

Why do you say that?

Because they are giving me the Frankincense and they are not trusting either one of us with the gold.

Do you think we are in the same Christmas play?

When is the play?

The Christmas story is tonight but the part with the Wise Men takes place later.

When did they tell you to show up for your part?

In about 2 years.

We are in the same play.

Do you think they are trying to tell us something?

Yes, We should audition for the Grinch in the other Christmas play.

Grinch wan Kenobi.  I might still get a lightsaber.

What are we going to do to get in the Christmas spirit?

How about we do the shortest Christmas play ever?

I don’t know about that.

Yes, you do.  Just follow my lead.

My insurance doesn’t cover that.

Come on.  Join in.

Both:  The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.

Merry Christmas, Putz.

Happy Holy Days, Bonehead.

Exit

The end.