Grumpiest Old Men - More from James

Grumpiest Old Men

James Across the Board

Cast:  2 older men. These are longtime friends with much dryness to their banter.

Set:  Anywhere a bench or 2 chairs may be set as a park bench.  Action proceeds in dialogue.  Script or notes may be hidden in props (newspaper) if used.  Both enter stage walking towards each other.

Lights up.

Putz

Bonehead.

[Both take seats and break out a newspaper.]

So, how’s life treating you?

Are you kidding me?

No.  That’s what I always ask you.  Then you get grumpy.

Well, you would get grumpy too if you were reading a book that said to consider it pure joy when you face all sorts of trials.

Didn’t we go through that before?

No.  We talked about it before.  Now I’m going through it.

Oh.

And this being a doer of the word is no walk in the park either.

You mean actually putting the things that Jesus told us into practice.

That’s what I’m talking about.

OK.

And I also have to watch my tongue.

Did you get it pierced?

No.  I have to watch what I say.

Yeah, I guess we all have to do that, don’t we?

If we get it wrong, small words can start big controversies.

Like a spark starting a huge forest fire.

Yep.

You are going to be proud of me.  I mean this is brownie points stuff.  This is so, so, so big!!!

You got a humility award?

No.  I can’t even tell how much water is in the air.

That’s humidity.

I didn’t get that award either.

Maybe next year.

Yeah, maybe.  Hey!  Quit distracting me.  I’m doing something big this Sunday.

Singing a special?

No.

Goooood, because our insurance is void if you get within 10 feet of the choir microphone.

What?

Last time people thought you were going to sing; three people fell and we had two broken arms as everybody the rushed the exit.

Yeah, ok, but this is going to be big.

OK, what is it.

I’m coming in 30 minutes early this Sunday to prepare some VIP seating.  I’m going to put out the reserved signs like we do at funerals and have some of those petite bottles of water at the ready.  Would popcorn be too much?

What?

You’re right.  No popcorn.  Maybe granola bars.

No, I’m not talking about popcorn.  I’m talking about showing favoritism.

What’s wrong with that.  We might get a little credibility if we had some big shots around here.  Come on, everybody does it.

Credibility?

Yeah, we might get some church street cred if we got us a Rapper or millionaire or a politician.

This place that you are going to fancy up for the big shots is called what?

A sanctuary.  Everybody knows that.

Who is honored and revered and praised in that place?

Since we don’t have any bigshots, just God.

If it was full of big shots, who should be honored?

This is a trick question, isn’t it?

Only for you.

OK, only God should be honored.

What do you think the bigshots need more than special privileges?

I’m going to go with truth and ministry.  I think they get enough special privileges everywhere else.

Good answer.  Now what if someone who looks like they have been wearing the same clothes all week comes to worship.

That’s easy.  They can have those seats way in the back.  Out of sight.  Out of mind, you know.

What?

I have been spraying extra Lysol back in that corner, just in case.

Have you been reading the book of James?

Yes, sort of, I needed a break.

You needed a break?

OK, I just took a break.

Are you throwing in the towel?

No, I want to be a disciple of Jesus.

Not just a member of a cosmic country club?

No, I want to follow Jesus.

OK, we will meet each day from now on to talk about the day’s reading.

Sort of like an accountability partner.

Something like that.

It could be challenging.

I’m counting on it.  It should be pure joy!

OK, get this.  Two blondes walk into a building.

What?

You think one of them would have seen it.  [Laughs at own joke]

[Rolling his eyes] We will talk about taming the tongue tomorrow.  Get back to your reading.

Bonehead exits with palms up.  You think one of them would have seen it. [Laughing again].

Both exit.

The end

Grumpiest Old Men - James 2

Grumpiest Old Men

James 2

Cast:  2 older men. These are longtime friends with much dryness to their banter.

Set:  Anywhere a bench or 2 chairs may be set as a park bench.  Action proceeds in dialogue.  Script or notes may be hidden in props (newspaper) if used.  Both enter stage walking towards each other.

Lights up.

Putz

Bonehead.

[Both take seats and break out a newspaper.]

So, how’s life treating you?

You know, running the good race.

That’s good.  Paul’s second letter to Timothy.  Good stuff.  Run the good race, fight the good fight, keep the faith.  Good stuff.

So you have been running a good race yourself?

I just said the words, didn’t I?

I’m just trying to be a good listener.

Man, that’s fantastic.  Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry…

I was just thinking…

I’m not finished, because man’s anger can not bring about the righteous life that God desires.

[Sacastically]  Good stuff. [Rolls eyes at being interrupted].

Quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger—man, I get this stuff.

It’s like I said earlier.

What?  You said something?

That’s ok.  Forgive me for taking a turn in this conversation.

Not a problem.  Got you covered.  If we confess our sins, God is faithful and just to forgive.

That’s good stuff alright.  You confessed lately.

Not exactly.  But I know me some Bible.  Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

That’s a good one.  Are you putting your faith into practice?

What do you mean?  I just said you can’t see it.

What if you could see it?

That wouldn’t make sense.

What if by what I did, you knew that I had faith?

How does that even make sense?

What if there is more to our faith than just saying we have it?

It sounds like you want me to do stuff to earn my salvation.

Nope.

Sounds like it.  I am saved by grace through faith.  It’s in the Bible.  I think that Peter guy said it.

It was Paul.

Whatever.  I didn’t do anything to receive my salvation.

Couldn’t have said it better myself.

So, what’s with this doing stuff—works, deeds, whatever?

Since you asked…

I didn’t mean to.

What happened to quick to listen?

Give me a break.

God gave you—us—a big break.  Grace is bigtime.  Don’t you think we should do something in response to his incredible gift?

Yeah, ok, like what?

Put his words into practice.

That’s like the man that built his house on solid rock.

Exactly.  James would call that being a doer of the word.

That implies that I would need to do something.

Yep.

To get my salvation?

Nope.  Because you have received salvation.

So, faith and works work together?

Exactly.

As the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without works is dead.

Exactly.  Want to start putting some of God’s word into practice?

Sounds scary.

My turn.  For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind.

Yeah, OK.

So, you are up to putting God’s word into practice?

You mean being a doer of the word?

Yes.

Sure.  I wonder if there is an opening in the consulting department?

What!

I’m really good at giving my opinion.

I’m thinking there is an immediate opening for you in the slow to speak & quick to listen department.

[Palms upward feigning shock].

Both exit.

The end.

Verse of the Day

Verse of the Day

Cast:  Two men or two women, obviously, friends.  One is visiting the other in his/her office.

Set:  Chair, desk, and phone.  Could be done without office furniture and just a cell phone.

As scene begins both actors are standing ready to converse.

You reading the verse of the day?

I love the verse of the day.  It gets me off to a great start.  Wouldn’t miss it.

[Answers phone.]  Hey preacher, how you doing?  Thanks for returning my call.  What it was is that those guys that you have doing the offering…   Ushers, that sounds good, but those guys keep turning my check over before they passed the plate.  I put in a good amount and I want people to see who keeps this place running.  So if you would, tell them to give me maximum exposure, especially if you are not going to post it in the newsletter.  [Hangs up.]

What was today’s verse?

Be careful not to practice your righteousness in front of others to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven.  That’s Matthew 6:1.  Great verse!

Yes it is.  What’s you working on?

I am writing a prayer for Sunday.  Preacher told me that I could pray, so I am writing a doozy.  This may take half the service.

Wow.  That’s something.

Not really, just copy and paste a bunch of holy sounding words and keep on talking.  Copy and paste and keep on bringing it.

I see.  Do you remember what the verse of the day was for last Sunday?

Of course.  I love the verse of the day.  Let’s see, it was Matthew 6:7.  Matthew is getting some good VOD time.

VOD time?

Verse of the Day time.

OK.  Do you remember what Matthew 6:7 said?

And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words.  Man, that is good stuff.

Yes it is.  How has your week been?

Yesterday, I just about pulled out all of my hair worrying about three big projects that need to come together like right now.  I felt lousy and helpless and couldn’t sleep when I got home.

Did you pray about these things that worried you?

Pray!  Who has time to pray in the middle of a crises?

Didn’t do your verse of the day for yesterday either, did you?

Of course I did.  I always make time for that.  I always have time for that.  It was Philippians 4:6-7.

Timely.

What?

What did the verse say?

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.  Now that’s some good Bible there, even though it was two verses instead of one.

But a very complete thought.

Oh yeah.  I love me some verse of the day.  That one was in the New King James Version.  I love the verse of the day.

Want to know what tomorrow’s verse is?

You know already?

I know what yours is.  I can feel it.

Really?  Let me have it.

I won’t but it will.

I’m ready.

It’s James 1:22.

Hit me!

Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.

Really?  I love the verse of the day but this one doesn’t do anything for me.  I guess some of them just don’t apply.

Maybe the next day’s will be better?

Let me have it.

All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.

Win some.  Lose some.  Just doesn’t register with me.

You don’t say.  [Shaking head in disbelief during exit.] Gotta go I have some of God’s words to put into practice.

Good luck with that.  I have a prayer to write.  Copy, paste, copy paste, copy…

The end.