Grumpiest Old Men

Grumpiest Old Men

Acts 4:36, 1 Thessalonians 5:11

Cast:  2 older men. These are long time friends with much dryness to their banter.

Set:  Anywhere a bench or 2 chairs may be set as a park bench.  Action proceeds in dialogue.  Script or notes may be hidden in props (newspaper) if used.  One friend is already center stage with lights down.  Second friend enters as lights come up.

Lights up.

First old man walks up to bench and sees friend already seated.

Putz.

Bonehead.

[Takes other seat available].  Whatever.

Why do you have to be that way?

Me?

Yes you.  Do you have a thorn in your shoe?

[Looking directly at his friend].  Yeah, I’ve got a thorn alright.

Stop it.   Why is it every time we meet here you are grumpy?

Well, you are always in my seat for one thing.

I didn’t know that.  Would you like to sit here?

Why yes, I would.

Show up earlier next time Bonehead.  This seat’s taken.

Putz.

[Momentary pause for the emotions to subside].

Saw some ducks flying south yesterday.

Great.

They were in a “V” formation.

Of course, they were.  They are ducks.  They only know so much alphabet.  There is no “W, X, Y or Z” formation.  They are ducks.

One side of the “V” was longer than the other.

Now you are criticizing duck formations?

Just wondering if you knew why?

Nobody knows why!  Do you know why one side of the duck “V” is longer than the other?

Of course.  There are more ducks on side.

Bonehead!

No, you’re the bonehead.  I’m…

Putz.  I know.

Actually, I think we are both just a couple of grumpy old men.

Your grumpier.

Your grumpiest.

Putz.

Bonehead.

Enough.  I can’t even remember your real name.

It’s Barney if you must know.

Short for Barnabas?

Yes.  Short for Barnabas.

OMG.

You are too old to OMG me.

No, I mean OMG did your parents ever get your name wrong.

What?

Barnabas means “Son of Encouragement.”

Really?

LOL.  I know.

You are too old and grumpy to LOL me.

Isn’t it ironic, don’t you think.  A little too ironic…

How do you know that Barnabas means “Son of Encouragement?”

I have been studying my Bible.

Really?

Yes.  I go to a Bible study group.

They let you in?

Sure.

I don’t believe that.

OK.  I have to host the group, make the coffee, have cake and cookies, and clean up when we are done.

Maybe, if you also parked their cars and provide a valet service I might believe you.

I was keeping that part secret.

I still wouldn’t let you in my Bible study. 

You have a Bible study?

No, but if I did, there would be a no bonehead rule.

Putz.

What was your Bible study about?

This week we read the 5^th chapter of 1^st Thessalonians.

What was it about?

We are supposed to encourage one another and build up one another.

Now there’s your irony for you.

What?

We are supposed to be encouraging each other.  I think we missed the boat on that one.

Not too late to change, is it?

I don’t know.  Should we give it a try.

OK.  My hope is that you have a wonderful day and I will see you tomorrow, Putz.

Fair enough.  May you get your old bones up early tomorrow and get here in time to get this seat, Bonehead.

[Both stand].

I think we’ve got the hang of this encouraging stuff.

[Both walk off stage in separate directions].

See you tomorrow, Bonehead.

Later, Putz.

The end.

Following Jesus

Following Jesus

Matthew 4:18-19, Matthew 11:28-29, Proverbs 3:5-6

Cast:  2 people of any age or gender. One has just been saved and the other is Jesus.

Set:  Any.  Action proceeds in dialogue.  Script or notes may be hidden in props if used.  Both begin center stage with lights down.

Lights up.

Hallelu, Hallelu, Hallelu, Hallelu; praise ye the Lord.  Praise ye the Lord, Hallelujah, Praise ye the…

That’s what I like to see.  Real enthusiasm.

You would be excited too.  I just got saved.

I know.

What?  You weren’t even there.

Actually, I was.

Really?

Most definitely.

OK.  If you say so.  I don’t remember seeing you there.

I was there.

OK.  What’s your name any way?

Some call me Yeshua.  That’s sort of like Joshua.  Most people just call me Jesus these days.

No way!

Yes way!  Actually, the way, the truth, and the life.

 Like, the Jesus?

Yes.

I guess that I should say thanks.

Hmmm…  Why is that a guess?

What?  Oh, I mean, Thank You!

Good.  Now that you have been saved from sin and death, it’s time to follow me.

Actually, I have been wanting to talk to you about that.

Really?

Yes.  I thought that you being Jesus would already know that.

I do, and I also know that you have some reservations about this discipleship stuff.

Do I ever!

You love the gift of eternal life but don’t love it enough to give your life to me as my disciple.

That’s a little strong don’t you think?

How would you word it?

Well, I just, you know, I…   I have some more living to do.

I have some living in store for you.  It’s real living.

I don’t know that I want to give up everything, at least not yet.

So, you think that by following me, you are giving up something more valuable than what I have to give?

Well, when you word it that way…

How would you word it?

I wish you wouldn’t do that.

That’s not really true.

What?

The more that we talk the more we grow closer.

Yeah but those questions…

Are what get us to the truth.

What is this truth?

That I, we, every form of God that you understand, love you more than you can understand.

I think that I get that part, maybe?

But for you to know real life, you must step out of your comfort zone and follow me.

You mean be your disciple?

Yes.

But I don’t know…

My yoke is easy.  My burden is light.  You can learn from me.

But?

I am not a big fan of that word.

It’s one of my favorites.  That and..

 If only.

It seems that you know my deal.  So why do you have to press me about this?

I’m inviting you to real life.  I know it’s the best thing for you, even when it gets tough.

Now don’t get me wrong.  I am excited about this not going to hell thing and eternal life and calorie-free buffets and endless holes in one on the golf course, and…

Not much of a Bible reader, are you?

You already knew that.

Yes, I did.

So how do you expect me to step out of my comfort zone?

One step at a time.  Let’s start with memorizing a verse from the Proverbs.

You’re not going to hit me with fools despise wisdom, are you?

No, but it came in a close second.

OK.  I’m ready.

Are you?

No.  Enough with the questions!  They always throw me for a loop. I need answers.

I have answers let’s start with this.  Trust in the Lord with all your heart.

I know this.  And lean not on your own understanding…

In all you ways acknowledge him,

And he will make your path straight.

Actually, I like the And he will direct your path’s version.

Really?

No.  Teasing!!!

Why would you do that?

Because this whole following me and trusting in the Lords stuff is good stuff.  It’s even fun if you will throw yourself into it.

OK.  I’ll try.

I don’t like that word either.

OK.  I will follow you.

Much better.  We will talk again soon.

But…

[Jesus stares intently at the other cast member without saying a word.]

OK.  No buts.  I have decided to follow Jesus.  No turning back.  No turning back.

The end.

Thanksgiving Mouse 2017

Thanksgiving Mouse 2017

Philippians 4:6-7, Psalms 107, 118, 136

Cast:  1 person—adult or youth—who does not mind scurrying around on the stage.

Equipment:  Wireless microphone.  Costume optional

I can’t believe it!  So my sister-in-law invited me over for Thanksgiving dinner.  And me, not thinking, says “yeah sure.”

What was I thinking?  Really, what was I thinking?

So I show up early thinking there will be some good pre-feast grazing and what do I find?  Health food.  Broccoli and carrots—really!  We are mice not rabbits.

But I do my best to keep my cool, well….    That is….

Until they ask me to help get things ready.  Hey!  I’m the invited guest here.  But now I am putting out place settings and napkins and tidying up.  C’mon now, we are mice not high society.  We nibble.  We don’t dine.

And then the coup de grâce (ko͞o′ də gräs′) – that’s COOP DUH GRASS in these parts, but when you are puttin’ on the Ritz with the in-laws, well anyway. [Hands up to signal it’s time to get back to the main story].

[Shaking head left to right to signal disbelief].  TOFU TURKEY!  Can you believe it.  That should not even be a thing. Tofu turkey.  It was so good to get back here.  I hope there are some scraps of some real food left.  Give me some real Thanksgiving scraps.

I do so love it when the kids kick the piece of banana bread under the fridge.  Or when somehow a piece of mac and cheese gets missed in the cleanup.

[Looks at audience and jumps back].  WHAT!  You people again.  I just got home and it seems like I can’t even get a moment alone.

OMG, OMG, oh, oh, oh…

I remember last year I talked to you people about being thankful and here you catch me on my own little rant.  I’m dragging my pity party around with me right in front of you.

Really!  I’m the church mouse and I should know better.

You know, I think this thanksgiving stuff takes a little work.  I think that we have to get out of the rut that the world likes to keep us in and just think thankful thoughts all the time.

Give thanks to the Lord for he is good.  Yeah, that’s a good one.

[Singing.]  Give thanks with a grateful heart.  I love that song.  Maybe I should live that song too.

Here’s a cool Bible verse from the 4^th chapter of Philippians.  Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

It’s better with the verse that follows.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

If I ask God with a spirit of thanksgiving, he can give me peace in the middle of my problems.  Now that’s no Tofu Turkey.  That’s some real meat.

Hey!  I gotta go and find some real food, but I am going to do my best to be thankful every step of the way.

[Starts to exit, stops, and looks directly at audience.  Raises index finger to signal a major statement to follow].

Thanksgiving, it’s not just for turkey day anymore.

Exit.

Post Game Interview

Post Game Interview

Romans 12:1-3

Isaiah 40:28-31

Cast:  Two adults of any age.  One is a sideline sportscaster and the other a coach headed to the locker room for halftime.  This could be a stand alone drama, but it is designed as a follow on to Game Day and the Half Time Interview.

Set:  Anything that presents a football stadium setting is helpful.  The interview will be standing with the sportscaster holding a microphone and moving it back and forth with the conversation.

The coach is running off the field with the players at the end of this contest.  Sportscaster catches the coach running of the field and has a short interview.

Coach!  Coach!  Can I get just a few words before you head off to catch up with the team.

Sure.

What a game.  You must be proud of your players.

I was really pleased at how everyone pressed on towards the goal.  Past mistakes were just that, in the past.  They kept pressing on.

Reading God’s word, making joyful sounds, the heart of worship, worshiping in spirit and in truth—I think your team hit all of these keys to success.

Yes.  We put our hearts into it.

I guess it’s time for a well-deserved rest now.

Not a chance!

What?

Now is when real worship begins.

But I thought this past hour was worship?

It was and it was good, but most of our worship takes place outside of this building.  Most of our worship takes place during the rest of the week.

I didn’t see that coming so I don’t have any official announcer questions.

That’s ok.  Our response to God’s grace and mercy is to worship him all the time. We are told that our entire lives are to be given to God as a living sacrifice. 

Living Sacrifice?  You made that up, right?  I have read enough of the Bible to know that the sacrifice doesn’t get to live.

In the Old Testament, sacrifices didn’t get to live; well, except for the scapegoat—but that’s for another time.  But now…

[Raises index finger to interrupt with an epiphany.]

Because Christ made a once and for all sacrifice for us we don’t have to make sacrifices every year.

Correct.  We make sacrifices every day with our lives not our livestock.

But we get to live?

You betcha, we get to live like never before.  When we give our lives completely to God, we live more fully than ever before.

Wow!  That’s something.

That’s everything.

Coach, just one more question.  I have been broadcasting for years, but I have never seen a scoreboard.  How do you know who wins?

[Big smile and large gestures]

Don’t you know?  The victory is already won.  Before we stepped foot on the playing field, God had already defeated sin and death with the blood of Christ.  We are already winners.

Wow!  I guess I never thought about how much God has done for us.

Listen to what the prophet Isaiah says about God:

Do you not know?

    Have you not heard?

The Lord is the everlasting God,

    the Creator of the ends of the earth.

He will not grow tired or weary,

    and his understanding no one can fathom.

 He gives strength to the weary

    and increases the power of the weak.

Hey!  I know the rest of that…

 Even youths grow tired and weary,

    and young men stumble and fall;

 but those who hope in the Lord

    will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

    they will run and not grow weary,

    they will walk and not be faint.

The worship hour is over but our worship is just beginning.

And while you come to give your hearts to God, he sends you out to soar on wings like eagles.

Do you know what the theological term for that is?

No, what?

Cool beans.

[A little perplexed.]

That’s not theology, is it.

Gotta go.  See you next time.

[Facing viewing audience as coach departs]

And there you have it.  Living Sacrifice, soaring like eagles, and cool beans.  Worship, it’s not just for Sunday anymore.

The end.

Half Time Interview

Half Time Interview

John 4:24

Cast:  Two adults of any age.  One is a sideline sportscaster and the other a coach headed to the locker room for halftime.  This could be a stand alone drama, but it is designed as a follow on to Game Day.

Set:  Anything that presents a football stadium setting is helpful.  The interview will be standing with the sportscaster holding a microphone and moving it back and forth with the conversation.

The coach is running off the field with the players.  Sportscaster catches the coach running to the lockeroom and has a short interview.

Coach!  Coach, just a minute.

[Coach stops running and sportscaster launches into interview].

What a first half.  Are you pleased with how it all went?

We had some good moments.  We had good participation in reciting God’s word.  We still need to get everyone involved though.  Singing was good, but still a few not lifting their voices.

What else is it going to take to succeed in the second half?

We need to get to the heart of what this is all about.

You mean the heart of worship that you talked about before?

Yes, but we need to get to the meat and potatoes of it.

Just what exactly is the meat and potatoes of the heart of worship?

Spirit and Truth!

What do you mean by that?

Jesus said that God wants people to worship him in Spirit and in Truth.  Those are two big words.  Our spirit must seek to connect with God’s Spirit.  We must worship with our very being.

And truth?

Our worship must be genuine.  It must not be perfunctory.

That’s a big word for a halftime interview.

I’m sure you audience has already Googled it.

I’m sure, but for those of us who don’t do that…

Don’t just go through the motions.  Don’t just log time in the pew.  Don’t just come to a worship service and start thinking about everything else you could be doing.

You mean that when you are here, really be here.

Yes!  Think of God calling Moses up the mountain.  They would do some things during their time on the mountain but God wanted Moses just to be there.  God’s saying, come and enjoy this intimate time with me.

And in worship, we really connect with God?

Yes, if you worship in Spirit and in Truth.  Gotta get to the locker room.

Thanks coach.  That’s something to chew on for sure.  God wants people who will worship him in Spirit and in Truth.  Back to the booth.

The end.

Game Day

Game Day

Hebrews 4:12, Psalm 100, 1 Samuel 16:7

Cast:  Two adults of any age.  One is a sportscaster and the other a coach.

Set:  A table and two chairs or just two men standing with microphones (real or as props).  A sign or banner that reads GAME DAY might add to the pre-game setting.

Pre-conversation activity could be the sportscaster and coach greeting each  other and taking their seats or already seated at the table and the sportscaster looking to the off stage director and whispering “Are we live?” and then kicking off the program.  Lead in music might add to the game day setting.

This particular drama might also be recorded on video and played on a screen to give the feeling of viewing at home.

The time has finally come.  It is the season opener for Wednesday evening worship.  What are the keys to victory this evening, coach?

Here’s what I’m calling the holy trinity of worship success.

That’s catchy.

I hope it catches on.  First in this threesome of worship things to get right is the reading of God’s word aloud.  We are supposed to read his holy word all week long, but when we come together, there is nothing like reading it aloud.

That is powerful.  Could it get any better?

Absolutely.  Sometimes we read it aloud together.  Sometimes we say it aloud because God’s holy word is written in our hearts.

You are talking about memorizing scripture.

Talking about it?  We are doing it.  There are millions of people who just talk about doing things.  We do them.

OK.  What’s next.

Next, we lift our voices to the Lord.  We make joyful sounds. 

So just throw in a little music to accompany everything else?

No, we don’t just throw in anything.  Lifting our voices to the Lord is essential to worship.  It is not a sound track that accompanies the important stuff.  It is important stuff.

For those who are musically inclined anyway.

Every living thing needs to cry out in joy to the Lord, especially those of us who are the crown of his creation.  We may not hit every note just right but our hearts are perfectly tuned to please God when our words are offered with joy.

I don’t mean to pick at you coach, but it seems that a lot of people are sitting this part out, or standing it out.  They stand up but it seems like they can’t wait for the song to end.

You’re right.  They look at worship like a buffet, skipping over the parts they are not interested in and filling up on something else.

Like the sermon or the prayer?

Sometimes that’s what they are waiting for—you do occasionally get a joke or two thrown in the sermon—but sometimes their minds and their hearts are set upon things of the world.  They are in the worship service but they are NOT IN THE WORSHIP SERVICE!  They just can’t wait to get this singing stuff over with.

That’s got to be a challenge.

It is, but that’s what we coaches signed up for.

So what’s number three in your worship coaching trinity?

A heart of worship.

That’s different.  You can tell if people read or if they sing, but how do you coach this?

That one is all in God’s hands. He knows the heart.  Sometimes people will be lifting their hands and jumping up and down with the music but their heart knows it’s all for their own attention.  Sometimes people don’t seem to be into what’s happening, but their hearts are perfectly tuned into the Lord.

So we don’t judge by what’s on the outside?

Not here.  God sees the heart.  If we were playing baseball, then you had better pay attention to what’s happening on the outside or you get called on three pitches or picked off on first or…

Got it, coach.  So read, sing, and have a heart for worship—is that all you need?

There’s more, but you must master the basics first.

That’s all the time we have right now.  Maybe we can talk more at half time.

Looking forward to it.

The end.

Walking Around Jericho

Walking Around Jericho

Joshua 6:1-20

1 Corinthians 15:57

Cast:  2 people of any age or gender.
Set:  Any.  Action proceeds in dialogue.  Clipboards or professional notebooks can be used to hide scripts or cheat sheets.  Both begin center stage with lights down.

Lights up.

P1:  What a day.
P2:  What’s up?
P1:  I need God’s help with so many things but it’s like I have to wait.
P2:  So you are walking around Jericho.
P1:  I am not walking anywhere.  What are you talking about?
P2:  When Joshua led the people into the Promised Land, God told him to march around the city of Jericho every day with all of the Israelite people.
P1:  So God told Joshua to “Take a lap?”
P2:  Sort of, but he had to bring everyone with him.  The priests and the ark of the covenant in front and everyone else was following.
P1:  That was Joshua’s battle plan?
P2:  No, that was God’s.
P1:  Take a lap, that was God’s plan?
P2:  Well, it was a lap a day for 6 days, trumpets blaring but nobody saying much.
P1:  What happened then?
P2:  Day 7 of course.
P1:  You’re cute.
P2:  My grandmother thinks so.
P1:  What happened?
P2:  On the 7th day, the people circled the city 7 times, with 7 priests walking with the ark, and after the 7th lap on the 7th day…
P1:  That’s a lot of 7’s.
P2:  And then Joshua told everyone to shout at once.
P1:  Shout what?
P2:  A battle cry, of course.
P1:  What’s a battle cry?
P2:  You know, like, “Go Sooners!”
P1:  I’ll bet half of them said, “Go Pokes!”
P2:  OK, sure.
P1:  What happened?
P2:  The walls of the mighty city came tumbling down.
P1:  Wow.
P2:  Wow!
P1:  And your point in my case is that God may want me to walk around in circles for 6 days before anything happens?
P2:  It could be 6 or 60 or 600, but a day will come with a bunch of 7’s where God takes care of what you are dealing with.
P1:  If it were only a city to attack, but these are modern times.  I need modern day help from God.
P2:  Don’t we all, but we need to understand that we already have victory today.  It’s not really about  6’s and 7’s.
P1:  I don’t understand.
P2:  You are trusting in God, right?
P1:  Yes, absolutely.
P2:  Then you---we already have victory in Jesus.  The biggest battle of our lives is won.
P1:  Yeah, OK, but…
P2:  Say this verse with me to help understand how we cope in today’s world.
P1:  Let’s go.
P2:  Thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.
P1:  OK.
P2:  Say it with me.
P1 & P2:  Thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

P1 & P2 [to audience]:  Say it with us.

Thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.
Thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

P2:  One more time.

Thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

P1:  Amen!

P1 & P2 walk off stage together [any direction] saying the verse as they walk.

Thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.
Thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

The end.

Just Say No!

Just Say No!

Living for God’s Purpose

Cast:  Two men or two women who are friends. 

Set:  Any stage. One of the friends (P1) needs a smart phone.  The action is entirely in dialogue.  Both begin center stage.

Lights up.

P1:  I’m am so busy.  I don’t know what I am going to do?

P2:  You do seem a little frazzled.

P1:  I don’t know what to do.  I don’t know if I even have time to talk right now.

P2:  That’s too busy.

P1:  I know [phone rings].  I’ve got to take this.

P2:  Sure.

P1 [To phone]:  Hello.   Oh sure.  I can do that.  Alright, put me down for that too.  Cool.  Later.

P2:  So did I just hear you sign up for two or was it three more things that you don’t have time to do?

P1:  Yeah, I think, I don’t know.  There’s no way I can do all of this.

P2:  Why don’t you say “No” to some of these things?

P1:  Are you kidding?

P2:  No.

P1:  But you can’t just say no, can you?

P2:  Yes, you can say no.

P1:  That’s easy for you to say.

P2:  It’s easier now than it used to be.

P1:  What do you mean?

P2:  I mean that I used to be you until I learned to say “No.”

P1:  You mean like saying no to drugs or staying out too late or decaffeinated coffee?

P2:  No, well except the decaf bit.  Really, what’s the point?

P1:  Other than the decaf, what do you say no to?

P2:  The Friendly People Place of Prominence wanted me to be on their board of directors.

P1:  Oh, you would be so good at that!  You really didn’t say no did you?

P2:  Yes, I said no.

P1:  OK, I can see that.  You are the chairman of the board at the regional food bank.  I guess one board is enough.

P2:  It’s not that.

P1:  No?

P2:  See you can say no.  Now practice just saying it and not making it into a question.

P1:  Yeah, OK, whatever, but what did you mean by “It’s not that?”

P2:  I could handle another two or three board positions, but I say no unless they are aligned with my purpose in life.

P1:  You have a purpose in life?

P2:  Yes.  So do you.

P1:  I don’t know about that.  It seems that I’m too busy to have a purpose.

P2:  Maybe if you knew your purpose you wouldn’t be so busy.

P1:  Really?  I don’t see how that could help.

P2:  It’s simple, really.  Knowing you purpose empowers you to say no to everything else that you know you don’t need to be giving your time and effort to.

P1:  I need that.  [Picks up phone to use app]. Can I get it with one-click?  I am so busy, I hope that I can use one-click.                                                                                                        

P2:  You don’t order it.  You just understand it.

P1:  Now you’ve lost me.

P2:  I know.  Listen now, this is really important.  God has really good plans for you.  I mean he wants to prosper you and give you this incredible thing call hope.  God is sooooo invested in your future.

P1:  That’s cool, but what about this purpose stuff?

P2:  God has given you a unique design to do some things so well.  He wants you to pour yourself into living as the person that he made you to be.

P1:  That’s great, but I don’t have time to add one more thing to my…

P2:  You mean like you just added two or three things a moment ago?

P1:   Yeah, like that.

P2:  Then stopping adding and start saying “No” to the things that are not what God made you to do.

P1:  I don’t know which things to say yes to and which to say no to—I don’t know where to start.

P2:  Let’s start by getting up 15 minutes early tomorrow and just listen to God.

P1:  You mean pray.  I do that.  I pray that I don’t go crazy.  I pray that other people are paying attention when I drive because I sometimes get distracted trying to keep up with my appointments.  I pray that the line at the store is short because I really don’t have time for that.

P2:  I mean pray, but just say, “Hello” to God and then spend the rest of the time listening.

P1:  And God is going to speak to me.

P2:  More than that.  His Spirit is going to let you know when to say no.

P1:  One 15-minute listening session is going to take care of this?

P2:  NO!  One 15-minute listening session is going to get things started.             

P1:  I need something that works now.  I don’t have time for more than one session.

P2:  And you never will the way you are going.

P1: [Sarcastically]. Thanks for the encouragement.

P2:  If you will listen to God and trust him, he will reveal to you who he made you to be.

P1:  And my purpose?

P2:  Yes.  There is some mystery with God but mostly he tells us everything that we need to know and do.

P1:  And not do.

P2:  And say no to.              

P1.  “No”, you know I like that word.  Just say no!

P2:  Yes, you will be able to say “No” whenever you know you should.

P1:  How do you know so much about saying no.       

P2:  Because I know the One who tells me when to say no.

P1:  I want to know him and say no to everything that doesn’t get me closer to him.

P2:  That’s great!  Hey, do you want to help me paint the rocks in front of my house this evening?

P1:  Sure, I mean “No!”  Who paints rocks, anyway?

P2:  I don’t know.  I was just giving you a little warm up exercise for later.

P1:  And I said “NO!”

P2:  Good for you.  [Baiting P1].  I guess I will have to do it all myself…

P1:  Nice try.

P2:  Good job.  I’m here for you as you work your way into saying yes to your purpose and no to the other stuff.

Lights down.

The end.

Designated Bible Thumper

Designated Bible Thumper

Matthew 7:1-6

1 Thessalonians 4:11-12

James 5:19-20

Cast:  Two men or women who are friends.  One is exploring Christianity (P1) and the other is a long time Christian (P2).

Set:  Any set.  Action proceeds entirely in dialogue.

Both men begin the scene center stage in pantomime of conversation with the lights down. 

Lights up.

P1:  That Bible of yours is confusing.

P2:  I see.  I’m guessing that you read something that you can’t figure out.

P1:  No.  I read several things that don’t seem to go together.

P2:  OK.  Let’s see what we can figure out, but first, it’s not that Bible of mine.

P1:  You know what I mean, that Bible that you people refer to all the time.

P2:  It is for you too.

P1:  I don’t know about that.  I have been reading it and I think you can have my copy.

P2:  Hmmm, let’s see what’s got you stumped.

P1:  Like I said, it’s not just one thing.  It seems like some things just don’t jive.

P2:  Let’s see what doesn’t jive.

P1:  OK, this guy name Paul who used to go by Saul—must have been on the run from the law or something, told people in Thessalonica to mind their own business.  Now that’s sound advice, just ask any mother or teacher.

P2:  First, Paul had a lot to say about the law but he wasn’t on the run from it.  Next, it seems that you agree with what he had to say.

P1:  Yes, but then this guy named James says if you get into somebody’s business when they get off course, then that’s a good thing.

P2:  It is a good thing.

P1:  But what about minding your own business?

P2:  That’s a good thing as well, but if I saw you drowning would you want me to mind my own business and watch you die or would you want to practice my life saving techniques and bring you to the safety of the shore.

P1:  Who wouldn’t want to be rescued, but this James character says he is talking about turning a sinner from the error of his ways.  That sounds like judging and I read that we should not judge others unless we too want to be judged.

P2:  First of all, let me say that I am proud of you for reading your Bible.  These are good thoughts!

P1:  I thought that you would be upset with me for disrespecting your Bible.

P2:  You are just wrestling with things that every believer has to sort out.  OK, let’s go back to rescuing a drowning man.  The lifeguard has to make an assessment before committing to rescue.

P1:  What?

P2:  Is he really drowning?  If he is, then he must be ready to get physical—to take hold of the man and forcefully pull him to safety.  A drowning person is governed by panic and will pull the rescuer under if a casual rescue is attempted.  In some case, it’s necessary to knock out the drowning person so he does not drown both of them.

P1:  Is that why they call you Bible-Thumpers—you go around knocking people out with your Bibles.

P2:  Not exactly.  Have I ever thumped you with my Bible?

P1:  No.  You just keep inviting me to worship and to this thing you call the truth.

P2:  That’s right.  I can’t thump righteousness into you, but if I were to try, know that I would use my Amplified Version.

P1:  Yeah, OK, I think that was you being funny, but what about judging?

P2:  Don’t judge anyone so as to condemn them.  We are not entitled to condemn another person.  Jesus died to take away the sin of every person on the planet, past and present—permanently.

P1:  Wow! Now that is some propitiation with alliteration!

P2:  How do you know that word?  Most people don’t use propitiation in daily conversation.

P1:  I have been studying.  Let me see if I understand all of this, or at least these things that we have been talking about.

P2:  Hit me with your best shot.

P1:  In as much as possible, I should lead a quiet life and try to get along with others and tend to my own business—like staying away from gossip and the like.

P2:  Yes.

P1:  Unless someone who is a believer is headed down the wrong path and doesn’t seem to be able to get back on course by himself.  Then it’s OK to get into his business so long as I do it out of love and not self-righteousness.

P2:  Wow!  I don’t think you are confused at all.

P1:  It actually made sense to me, but I needed to bounce it off a, err, off a…

P2:  Bible Thumper?

P1:  Yeah, a Bible Thumper.  Do you mind me calling you that?

P2:  I prefer disciple or Christian, but if it keeps you reading your Bible, I will be your designated Thumper.

P1:  Cool.  I’m wanting to read more.  I don’t know what it is.

P2:  My turn to lay a label on you.

P1:  Go for it.

P2:  You are hungry for God’s word.

P1:  That’s it.  I’m hungry for God’s word.  Hey, did you know it seems like it is living and active?  I mean more than ordinary words.

Both start to walk off the stage together.

P2:  I’m going to enjoy being your designated Bible Thumper. 

P1:  Let’s go read something!

Lights down.

The end.

Pharisee Jeopardy

Pharisee Jeopardy

Matthew 23

Cast:  One moderator (M), two Pharisees (C1 & C2) dressed for the part with phylacteries and tassels on their sleeves, and one common person (C3).  The two Pharisees invoke a variety of disgusted looks every time that C3 gets a right answer.

Set:  Any set with 4 music stands, lecterns, pulpits, or something to stand behind to resemble a set similar to the television show, Jeopardy.  There is one stand on one side of the stage and three on the other.  They should be angled so they mostly face the audience.  There is no board or score display.

Jeopardy theme song at the beginning and end would be a nice touch.

Theme song to Jeopardy begins while lights are still down.  The moderator and all contestants are on stage.

Lights up.

Moderator:  Welcome back.  It’s now time for double Jeopardy, where the stakes can really change.  Let’s review our categories.

[The three contestants jump up and down with excitement.]

M:  We have Land Mines—a category where every answer could be like stepping on a land mine; Penalty Flags, where breaking a rule can lead to ruin; and Favorite Pharisees—a category that speaks for itself and all of the answers are either Gamaliel or Nicodemus. 

[C1 & C2 start cheering and fist pumping.]

M:  We round out the board with Love—a category where the answer is always love.  All you have to do is put it in the form of a question.  The last category is forgiveness where the right answer is always, YES.

[C1 & C2 look at each other with befuddled looks.  C3 nods head up and down in quiet confidence.]

M:  Contestant #1, you finished Round I with a negative 6000 talents.  You get to begin.

C1:  I’ll take Land Mines for 200.

M:  Group associated with white washed tombs.

C1 [Makes buzzing sound and then answers.]:  Who are the Grateful Dead?

M:  Incorrect.

C2 [Makes buzzing sound and then answers.]:  Who is Black Sabbath?

M:  Also incorrect.

C3:  [Makes buzzing sound and then answers.]:  Who are the Pharisees?

[C1 & C2 look at each other like C3 is crazy.]

M:  Correct!  You now control the board.

C3:  I’ll take Love for 200, please.

C1 [Makes buzzing sound and then answers.]:  Because they broke the law.

M:  Please let me read the question—which in Jeopardy is actually the answer—before you answer, and remember that your answers must be in the form of a question.

[C1 turns around, rolls his eyes, and throws a mini-tantrum.]

C2:  What is because they broke the law?

M:  Incorrect.  Now I will read the answer.  God is…

C3 [Makes buzzing sound and then answers.]:  What is love?

[C1 & C2 look at each other like C3 is crazy.]

M:  Correct again.

C3:  Let’s try forgiveness for 200, please.

C1:  Yes, please let’s have that good-for-nothing category.

C2:  Just get on with it.

M:  Why thank you.  How many times must you forgive your brother?

C1 [Makes buzzing sound and then answers.]:  Never.  That dude can burn in hell or make sacrifices until the cows come home.

M:  Incorrect.  I remind you that the category is Forgiveness.

C1:  Like anyone is interested.  I want Penalty Flags for 200.

M:  Then you need to answer a question right and then you get to choose.

C2:  It’s a trick question.  You don’t have a brother.

C3 [Makes buzzing sound and then answers.]:  What is YES we forgive 77 or in some translations, 7 times 70?

M:  Correct!  Well done.

C3:  Let’s try love again.  This time for 1000.

M:  Fill in the blank.  Greater                       has no man than this, that he lay down his life for his friend.

C1 [Makes buzzing sound and then answers.]:  Tassels.  I mean what are tassels?

M:  Incorrect.

C2 [Makes buzzing sound and then answers.]:  Phylacteries—what are Phylacteries?

M:  Incorrect.

C3 [Makes buzzing sound and then answers.]:  What is love?

M:  Correct.

C3:  Love for 800, please.

M [Makes Ding, Ding, Ding sound]:  That sound means you have hit the Daily Double.

C3:  I’ll wager all of it.

M:  Bold move.  The Greeks would use the word, Agape, meaning this in the context of John 3:16.

C3:  What is love?

M:  Correct again!

C3:  I’ll take…

M [Makes Ding, Ding, Ding sound]:  That sound means that we have come to the end of the round and it is now time for Final Jeopardy.  The category is Lennon and McCartney.

C1:  What kind of baloney is that?

C2:  I’m not playing.

M:  That’s correct.  In fact, both of you Pharisees have set records for the most wrong answers in a millennium and are not invited to play.

C3:  Hey, I will bet all of my money and tell you the answer—in the form of a question—before you even ask it.  What is…     All you need is love.

M:  Correct.  You are our new Jeopardy champion, like that was ever in doubt.  Watching these two self-righteous knuckleheads was like watching the blind leading the blind.  Please say goodbye to your fellow contestants.  They are late for appointments to put burdens on the backs of men.

[C1 & C2 walk off shaking their fists at the moderator.]

M:  That’s it for tonight.  Stay tuned in for tonight’s Movie of the Week—The BLT and other forbidden pleasures.  Make sure you put the kids to bed first.

[Theme to Jeopardy begins.]

M & C3 waving to the audience.

Lights out and music fades out.

The end.

9-11 Mouse

9-11 Mouse

Cast:  Church Mouse in costume.  Monologue.

Set:  Any.  The mouse tells the story.

[Lights down to begin.  Lights go up and the church mouse is entering stage right and singing.]

I’m Proud to be and American where at least I know I’m free, and I won’t forget the men who died…

[Jumps back realizing the room is full of people.]

Whoa!  You guys are back again.  You about gave me a heart attack.  Ha!  Then you would be singing, I won’t forget the mouse who died singing of liberty.

Hey!  I was reading my historical journals the other day and realized that this 9-11 stuff is fairly recent.  I mean there was just Labor Day in September and then nothing else to speak of until the Candy Festival at the end of October.  I got two cavities from that last year.

It all got me to wondering, what is this 9-11 all about?  People say it is like Pearl Harbor Day for this modern generation.  Some don’t pay it much mind.  I mean, there’s no three-day weekend with it.  You don’t hear of people heading out to see relatives for 9-11.

So what is it all about?

[Deep breath.]

I mean, I know it’s about being attacked by enemies and that many people died, but men and women die defending this thing you call America every year.  A lot of people die defending America every year. 

So just what is the deal on 9-11?     

             

[Hand to chin in ‘Thinker pose’]

Maybe, just maybe, it was about being of one accord for a short time.  Yes, I think that’s it.  For a short time early in this new century, people who didn’t seem to do much of anything other than argue with each other, came together in one accord.

For a short time, this wasn’t America.  It was the United States of America.  People put aside their differences and rallied together as one people.  Church attendance even went up for a while.

Tragedy had brought forth unity, for a short time.

So 9-11 is a day to remember what happened, a day to remember those who lost their lives, a day to remember those who acted heroically, and a day to remember a nation—the UNITED States of America—truly being united.

It’s all sort of sad though.  I mean it took a tragedy of that magnitude to bring people together and then it only lasted for a while.

I wonder, I mean I really wonder if you people couldn’t practice a little more harmony on a regular basis.  I mean you—not this building—are the church, right?

You are one body, right?

You are called to live in one accord, right?

I’m not judging, but I am a church mouse and I pick up on a lot during Bible Study and Sunday school.  You don’t see me, but I’m nestled away listening, when I’m not nibbling on those cookies that were put out the night before services.  You guys never learn.

I just nibble off the back sides and most people never notice. 

Anyway, back to being of one accord.  I think that you guys can handle it.  I pick up a lot of teaching while I’m scurrying about picking up morsels that your kids drop.  I do love the fact that you have so many kids.  I can eat until Wednesday unless somebody gets a wild hair to clean up early.

[Stops and stares across entire audience before speaking.]

One accord.  Think about it.  It’s not just for 9-11 anymore.  You people can have this wonderful thing all the time.  You people known as the church are truly blessed.

[Starts to walk off.]

And let me just add, I am blessed to be your church mouse.

Exit.

The end.

Wanna Get Away

Wanna Get Away

Jonah

Matthew 25:14-30

Cast:  Two people of either gender who are already friends and who know God and know their Bible.

Set:  Any.  Action proceeds in dialogue only.

Person 1 (P1) is on stage singing frantically as if very worried. Person 2 (P2) approaches. 

P1:  [Singing frantically.]  I’m leaving on a jet plane, don’t know when I’ll be back again.

P2:  Time for vacation again?  I thought you just took one.

P1:  No vacation.  I just need to get away.

P2:  Oh, you found one of those Wanna Get Away deals like they advertise on TV?

P1:  No I didn’t have time to look for a special.  I just need to get out of town.

P2:  Anything that I might need to know about.  Is your picture on display in the Post Office?

P1:  No.  It’s worse.

P2:  Really?  Sounds like you are on the lamb.

P1:  I am and I don’t like that metaphor.

P2:  OK.  I will try this again.  Are you on the run?

P1:  Yes.

P2:  From the law?

P1:  Worse.

P2:  You have my complete attention.  From what?

P1:  Not what, who.

P2:  The objective case is whom.

P1:  Don’t go Grammar Nazi on me now.  I’ve got to hit the road.

P2:  OK.  Tell me the who or the whom or the whomever.

P1:  God.

P2:  God?

P1:  Yes, God.  I’m running away from God.

P2:  Do you think it is going to work?

P1:  No, but what choice do I have?

P2:  Whatever you did, he will forgive you.  The blood of Jesus has all of your sins covered.

P1:  It’s not something that I did.  It’s something that he wants me to do.

P2:  What does he want you to do?

P1:  He wants me to invite the people across the street to worship this Sunday.

P2:  Wow!  God spoke to you.  Wow!

P1:  Not in words.  You know that Spirit that everyone says you have in you.

P2:  Yes, God’s own Spirit, the Holy Spirit.

P1:  That’s the one and he is telling me to talk to those people across the street.

P2:  And that’s why you are running away.

P1:  And I think he wants me to be a part of a fellowship team and help in the food pantry.

P2:  These are all things that you can do.  I know you, these things are right down your alley.

P1:  I know and that’s what scares me.  I might be good at them and then he might ask me to do more.

P2:  Well, Jonah, what are you going to do?

P1:  I’m not going by sea so I am not going to get swallowed by a fish. So don’t call me Jonah.

P2:  No, but you are running from God because he is telling you exactly what you need to do and you know it.

P1:  I know that I know it, but if I invite those people then they might come and want to be a part of God’s love and profess him as Lord and Savior.

P2:  And this is a bad thing because?

P1:  They might repent and believe the good news about Jesus.  They might get away with all of the bad stuff that they have done.

P2:  You are right.

P1:  That I should run away.

P2:  No, that I shouldn’t call you Jonah.  I think that I will call you Saint Jonah. 

P1:  I’m no saint.

P2:  Actually, you are, but not in the goody-two-shoes sense that I was using the term.

P1:  I know, I know, but it seems like these people would get off Scott free.

P2:  You mean like us?

P1:  Yes, like us.  [singing.]  Jesus paid it all, all to him I owe.

P2:  This is a good thing!  But what about being on a fellowship team and helping in the food pantry?

P1:  I am afraid that I will mess up and then God won’t like me.

P2:  There is unsound theology and there is downright terrible theology.

P1:  I know, I know.  I am burying my talent in the ground, right?

P2:  No.  You are burying your talents—plural—in the ground.  You have been trusted like the first servant and trying to live like the third servant.

P1:  It’s just hard to wrap my head around the fact that God loves me and trusts me.

P2:  Well, I am going to use a highly theological term for what you need to do.  Ready?

P1:  Sure.

P2:  Suck it up, Buttercup!

P1:  Buttercup, really?

P2:  Would you prefer Jonah?

P1:  No, and that Buttercup business is not in the Bible.

P2:  Remember, in the Parable of the Talents, the master called the third servant wicked and lazy?

P1:  Yes, but…

P2:  I thought that I would try suck it up Buttercup before you decided to act like the third servant and have to wear those labels.

P1:  Thanks, I think.

P2:  Do you remember what the master called the first two servants?

P1:  Good and faithful.  I remember.

P2:  Do you also remember that they put what their master had given them to work right away?

P1:  I remember.  I get your point.  I need to stop running away from God.  I need to take what he gave me and put it to work and I need to produce some good fruit for God’s kingdom.

P2:  Sounds like you know exactly what to do.

P1:  I do. I just want to do it because I want to bring glory to God and not because I’m afraid of ending up in a big fish or thrown out into the outer darkness.

P2:  That’s good motivation.  Hey, why don’t we both walk over and talk with your neighbor.

P1:  OK.  Let’s get this putting my gifts to work show on the road.

P2:  Better than hitting the road trying to run away from God, don’t you think.

P1:  Amen to that.

The end.

Lickety Split

Lickety Split

Psalm 90

2 Peter 3:8

Cast:  Two people, young women would be best.  The first character (P1) has a smart phone and is skilled at using it.

Set:  Any.  The action proceeds with dialogue and gesturing.

Scene begins with lights down and the first character (P1) talking on her phone as her friend approaches from stage right.

P1:  [Talking to phone.] Hold on just a second. [Puts phone on hold and waves to friend approaching.]  It’s good to see you.

P2:  [Coming center stage.]  It is good to see you too.

P1:  I have some stuff we need to talk about.  Give me just a minute. [Holds up hand to friend and returns to phone conversation.]  Hey I’ll call you back in a minute.  Cheers.

P2:  So what’s on you mind?

P1:  Well, it’s this whole God answers prayers business.  [Grabs phone again and holds up one finger to friend signaling she will just be 1 minute.  Talks into phone.]  Hey!  What’s cooking?  I’m a little busy right now.  Can I call you back? [Pause for unheard reply.]  Yes, right away.  I will call you back in a New York Minute. [Back to friend.]  Now where were we?

P2:  Something about God answering prayers?

P1:  Yeah, I’m not so sure about that.  I pray and I wait and wait and sometimes wait a little longer.

P2:  Sometimes we have to wait.

P1:  Yeah, but it’s like God just doesn’t want… [Looks at phone again and then back at friend.]  Hold that thought.  Oops, it’s my thought.  Give me a minute.  That’s what I should have said. 

P2:  Sure.  I’m right here.

P1: [To phone.]  Hey guy, I haven’t heard from you in a fortnight.  [Pause for unheard response.]  You’re right, it’s only been a couple of weeks.  Can you call me back?  No I’m not putting you off.  I’ll call you back in half a sec, how’s that?

P2:  I hope you have a lot of minutes on your phone.

P1:  Unlimited plan.  It took me about 10 seconds to know which plan was right for me.  Unnnnnnlimited!

P2:  That’s cool.  You were talking about God and prayer?

P1:  Yeah, what’s up with this prayer stuff.  It’s like he never gets back to me.

P2:  Really?

P1:   Yeah, it’s [Answers phone again.]  Hello? [Hangs up.]   Ooh that was different.

P2:  Who was that?

P1:  Don’t know.  It was nobody from my contacts that’s for sure.  Somebody named Eye-um.  Must be some Irish guy, but I don’t know any Irish guys.

P2:  I see.  So you don’t think that God answers your prayers?

P1:  I don’t know.  I don’t have time to wait and find out.  I need answers now.  This is the 21^st Century you know.

P2:  I do know.  Let me tell you something about God’s time.

P1:  [Looking at phone.]  It’s that same caller, Eye-um.  I’m going to block him.

P2:  [Reaching to stop friend from doing anything else on the phone.]  Here’s something you need to know.  God’s time is not our time.

P1:  So what, he’s on Pacific time or Eastern Daylight Time or…   I know, he’s living on Tulsa Time, right?

P2:  Actually, God works outside the boundaries of what you and I know as time.  A day to him could be a thousand or six thousand years to us, well, according to the psalmist.

P1:  How am I supposed to know when it’s appropriate to contact him.

P2:  Oh, God is the original 24-7-365 entity.  He is always there.

P1:  But when will I get my answers.  I need answers.

P2:  You will get them in God’s time.

P1:  I want them in my time!

P2:  I hear you.  Waiting patiently upon the Lord is hard sometimes, but you will be blessed to wait.

P1:  That doesn’t seem right.  It’s like God’s putting me on hold.  I need answers when I need answers.

P2:  What was that you said a minute ago?  Oh yeah, I’ll get back with you in a second, or was it a minute, or was it half a second, or was it in a New York Minute?

P1:  Hey!  Don’t use my words against me!

P2:  I’m not using them against you, but hopefully I can use them to open your eyes.  And there was my favorite, Lickety Split.  Just how long is that, exactly?

P1:  I don’t know.  It’s something that my parents used to say and I just picked it up.

P2:  Do you think that the person that you told you would get back to in a second or half a sec or a New York Minute is waiting patiently for you to call them.

P1:  Sure, why wouldn’t they?  [Looks directly at audience with a look of enlightenment.]  Oh, oh my, oh I had better call them all right now, all at once.

P2:  Let’s finish our conversation first.  It will be fine.  The Bible says that God is not slow as we calibrate speed.  He will send Jesus back when the time is right.  He wants to give everyone a chance to turn away from the world and turn back to him.

P1:  He’s not in a hurry but he is not slow.  Is that what you are saying?

P2:  That’s exactly what I am saying.  I am also saying that he will answer your prayers in his time.  When you talk to the God of all creation—and by creation, I am including this thing we call time—we are always best to do things on his time.  On his time…

P1:  OK, I hear you.  I don’t want to hear you, but I get what you are saying.  You do know that patience does not come easy for me?

P2:  [Smiling.]  You don’t say?

P1:  I do say… Oh you are just teasing me again.  Which call should I return first.

P2:  How about that Irish guy?

P1:  What?  Are you crazy.  I don’t know him.

P2:  Spell out to me what the caller ID read.

P1:  Like I said Eye-um.  I space A M.  Like I said, Eye Am.

P2:  That seems like a call that you should have taken.  Sometimes we pray and then forget to listen for the answer.  Sometimes we just need to be still and let God do all of the talking.

P1:  But it’s like totally weird calling someone back that I don’t know.

P2:  Fair enough, but if he calls again, see what he has to say.

P1:  Will you be available if I need to talk?

P2:  Of course, you just call me and I will be here lickety split!

Lights down.

The end.

First Pharisees

First Pharisees

Genesis 2-3

Matthew 23

Cast:  Two people, one of whom is a woman and the other can be male or female but dressed as a snake.  A stuffed animal snake with voice over would also suffice.  The snake could be maneuvered by fishing line on a pole.  The voice over character could be visible or hidden.  The snake must crawl on the ground.  His days of walking ended in the Garden of Eden.

Set:  Any set.  A full-length mirror or prop to represent a mirror is needed.  Eve will need one or two extra dresses.  Background could include vegetation, but not a paradise as in the Garden of Eden.  This scene takes place after the couple was kicked out of paradise.

Lights up.  Eve is centerstage, standing in front of a mirror trying on new dresses.  After a few seconds the serpent approaches.

Serpent:  Had any good apples lately?

Eve:  Hey, you bum!  Ever since I ate that apple, my husband has had to work for a living.

Serpent:  For food?

Eve:  Yes, and buying me clothes.

Serpent:  Doesn’t he need clothes too?

Eve:  He wears the same thing day after day after day after…  Hey, you no good, slimy, crafty, scaly thing that made me eat that apple…

Serpent:  Who decided to eat it?

Eve:  Don’t even go there.  You know that you wanted me to eat it.

Serpent:  What difference does that make?  It was always your decision. 

Eve:  Yeah, OK, I see how you roll.

Serpent:  Really now, if all of your friends decided to go jump off a cliff would you go with them?

Eve:  What are friends and what’s a cliff?

Serpent:  Point taken.  Besides, I’m not here to drag up the past.  I’m excited about the future.

Eve:  Really?  What mischief do you have in store for us this time?

Serpent:  It’s not my mischief, it’s yours.

Eve:  I didn’t even know what mischief was until you slithered in.

Serpent:  Actually the first time that we met I was walking.

Eve:  Yeah, I remember.  How’s that working out for you now?

Serpent:  Let’s not pick at each other.  I won’t bite at you and you won’t try to crush my head, just this time.  OK?

Eve:  OK, unless you try something slimy again.

Serpent:  OK, but I am a serpent, so I’ll have to make this short time of good behavior brief.

Eve:  So what about the future?

Serpent:  Centuries into the future, there will be these people who think themselves to be very important.  They will be called Pharisees.

Eve:  You call this breaking news?  I don’t have much of a concept of people so why should I care what they call themselves?

Serpent:  You know that sickness you had the last couple of mornings?

Eve:  Yes.  What about it?

Serpent:  You are soon going to understand the concept of people—as in more than the two of you—soon enough. 

Eve:  Whatever.

Serpent:  Back to the Pharisees.  I just wanted to congratulate you on being the father, err mother of the Pharisees.

Eve:  Snake, you are not making any sense; and the last time that I thought you were making sense, it cost me paradise.

Serpent:  Pharisees just add little things to what God says so as to make everything much clearer. 

Eve:  And your point?

Serpent:  The problem is that instead of making what God said better, they put burdens on the backs of men and women and then wouldn’t do anything to help them.

Eve:  OK, I’m not liking these people that are not even born yet.

Serpent:  Oh, you can’t dislike them.  You are one of them.

Eve:  Bite you forked little tongue!  I certainly am not!

Serpent:  What did God say about the fruit of the tree of good and evil?

Eve:  That we should not eat it or even touch it.

Serpent:  Are you sure?  You were still just a rib back then.

Eve:  And you were there?

Serpent:  Yes, I was nearby listening in like a fly on the wall.

Eve:  More like a snake in the grass.

Serpent:  Touché.  Like a snake in the grass, then.  In any case, all that God told Adam was not to eat of the tree.  He never put touching off limits.

Eve:  Yes, but touching leads to eating…

Serpent:  So you did add to what God said?

Eve:  I had to.  That man hardly says anything.  We needed some guidelines.  He put the nix on fencing off the tree and digging a moat around it.  Finally, he conceded one amendment to the divine directive and that’s how we got to we shouldn’t even touch it.

Serpent:  How did that work out for you? 

Eve [Very Angry]:  You had better slither away now before I crush your head.

Serpent:  Such a fine Pharisee.  I will pick up a couple Phylacteries for you and your husband at Slither Mart.  I can get 25% off if I buy it on the Sabbath.

Eve:  Snake!

Serpent:  Pharisee!

Eve:  Go!  Now!

Serpent departs stage right talking to himself and laughing.

Serpent:  Pharisee, Pharisee, Pharisee…

Eve looks around to make sure the serpent is actually gone, then looks stage left and calls out to Adam.

Eve:  Adam!  That no good snake called us Pharisees, and…

Eve rubs her belly.

Eve:  And I’ve got news!

Lights down.

The end.