First Pharisees

First Pharisees

Genesis 2-3

Matthew 23

Cast:  Two people, one of whom is a woman and the other can be male or female but dressed as a snake.  A stuffed animal snake with voice over would also suffice.  The snake could be maneuvered by fishing line on a pole.  The voice over character could be visible or hidden.  The snake must crawl on the ground.  His days of walking ended in the Garden of Eden.

Set:  Any set.  A full-length mirror or prop to represent a mirror is needed.  Eve will need one or two extra dresses.  Background could include vegetation, but not a paradise as in the Garden of Eden.  This scene takes place after the couple was kicked out of paradise.

Lights up.  Eve is centerstage, standing in front of a mirror trying on new dresses.  After a few seconds the serpent approaches.

Serpent:  Had any good apples lately?

Eve:  Hey, you bum!  Ever since I ate that apple, my husband has had to work for a living.

Serpent:  For food?

Eve:  Yes, and buying me clothes.

Serpent:  Doesn’t he need clothes too?

Eve:  He wears the same thing day after day after day after…  Hey, you no good, slimy, crafty, scaly thing that made me eat that apple…

Serpent:  Who decided to eat it?

Eve:  Don’t even go there.  You know that you wanted me to eat it.

Serpent:  What difference does that make?  It was always your decision. 

Eve:  Yeah, OK, I see how you roll.

Serpent:  Really now, if all of your friends decided to go jump off a cliff would you go with them?

Eve:  What are friends and what’s a cliff?

Serpent:  Point taken.  Besides, I’m not here to drag up the past.  I’m excited about the future.

Eve:  Really?  What mischief do you have in store for us this time?

Serpent:  It’s not my mischief, it’s yours.

Eve:  I didn’t even know what mischief was until you slithered in.

Serpent:  Actually the first time that we met I was walking.

Eve:  Yeah, I remember.  How’s that working out for you now?

Serpent:  Let’s not pick at each other.  I won’t bite at you and you won’t try to crush my head, just this time.  OK?

Eve:  OK, unless you try something slimy again.

Serpent:  OK, but I am a serpent, so I’ll have to make this short time of good behavior brief.

Eve:  So what about the future?

Serpent:  Centuries into the future, there will be these people who think themselves to be very important.  They will be called Pharisees.

Eve:  You call this breaking news?  I don’t have much of a concept of people so why should I care what they call themselves?

Serpent:  You know that sickness you had the last couple of mornings?

Eve:  Yes.  What about it?

Serpent:  You are soon going to understand the concept of people—as in more than the two of you—soon enough. 

Eve:  Whatever.

Serpent:  Back to the Pharisees.  I just wanted to congratulate you on being the father, err mother of the Pharisees.

Eve:  Snake, you are not making any sense; and the last time that I thought you were making sense, it cost me paradise.

Serpent:  Pharisees just add little things to what God says so as to make everything much clearer. 

Eve:  And your point?

Serpent:  The problem is that instead of making what God said better, they put burdens on the backs of men and women and then wouldn’t do anything to help them.

Eve:  OK, I’m not liking these people that are not even born yet.

Serpent:  Oh, you can’t dislike them.  You are one of them.

Eve:  Bite you forked little tongue!  I certainly am not!

Serpent:  What did God say about the fruit of the tree of good and evil?

Eve:  That we should not eat it or even touch it.

Serpent:  Are you sure?  You were still just a rib back then.

Eve:  And you were there?

Serpent:  Yes, I was nearby listening in like a fly on the wall.

Eve:  More like a snake in the grass.

Serpent:  Touché.  Like a snake in the grass, then.  In any case, all that God told Adam was not to eat of the tree.  He never put touching off limits.

Eve:  Yes, but touching leads to eating…

Serpent:  So you did add to what God said?

Eve:  I had to.  That man hardly says anything.  We needed some guidelines.  He put the nix on fencing off the tree and digging a moat around it.  Finally, he conceded one amendment to the divine directive and that’s how we got to we shouldn’t even touch it.

Serpent:  How did that work out for you? 

Eve [Very Angry]:  You had better slither away now before I crush your head.

Serpent:  Such a fine Pharisee.  I will pick up a couple Phylacteries for you and your husband at Slither Mart.  I can get 25% off if I buy it on the Sabbath.

Eve:  Snake!

Serpent:  Pharisee!

Eve:  Go!  Now!

Serpent departs stage right talking to himself and laughing.

Serpent:  Pharisee, Pharisee, Pharisee…

Eve looks around to make sure the serpent is actually gone, then looks stage left and calls out to Adam.

Eve:  Adam!  That no good snake called us Pharisees, and…

Eve rubs her belly.

Eve:  And I’ve got news!

Lights down.

The end.

Paying Taxes

Paying Taxes

Matthew 22:15-22

Cast:  4 men dressed as Pharisees.  They could be in robes or bright clothing but all must have some sort of small box strapped to their forehead.  Most of the speaking parts are between Pharisee #1 and #2.  Pharisees 3 & 4 follow the conversation intently by leaning in and nodding agreement or reacting with shock where appropriate.

Set:  Any.  Dialogue and gesturing move the action.

Group of Pharisees (#2, #3, & #4) already on stage begin singing and dancing to the tune of “We are Family.”

We are Pharisees.  We wear our phylacteries.

We are Pharisees.  We’re just men, no sisters, you see.

We are Pharisees…

Enter Pharisee 1 (Looking disheveled with phylactery hanging to the side, hair messed up, and head hanging).

#2:  Dude!  What’s up.

#1:  You wouldn’t believe it.

#2:  Try us.

#1:  OK.  You know how much time we spent on the tax question.

#2:  Yeah.  That’s a no-win scenario.

#1:  You would think.

#2:  But?

#1:  I so saw this playing out in my mind.  I would ask Jesus if it is legal to pay taxes to Caesar or not.  If he said no—and you know all the people wanted him to say no—then all we would have to do is inform the Romans and our problem would be gone.

#2 Right.  I hope that he says no.

#1:  He didn’t.

#2:  What do you mean that he didn’t?  We were not going to spring this on him until tomorrow.

#1:  Sorry, but he was a target of opportunity.  There were a bunch of Herodians hanging out along with a fair number of our fellow phylactery fellows, so I went for it.  If he said that you didn’t need to pay taxes to Caesar, then the Herodians would turn him in.  You know how they are in tight with the Romans.  We could just step back and let politics take its course.

#2:  So he said to pay taxes to Caesar?  Remember that works for us too.  He would be discredited among the people because Caesar declared himself to be a god.  If Jesus said to pay taxes to Caesar it the same as endorsing a false god.  We could nail him on first and second commandment violations.

#1:  No.  He didn’t say pay taxes to Caesar.

#2:  What then?  It was an either-or question, a simple dichotomy.  We framed it as a yes or no question.  You didn’t make it multiple choice, did you?

#1: No, but Jesus doesn’t always color within the lines.  In fact, every time we try to trick him or trap him he is always ten steps ahead of us.  It’s like he knows what we are thinking.

#2:  Only God knows what we are thinking.

#1:  Let’s not go there. 

#2:  Right.  Well, what did he say?

#1:  He said, and I quote: “Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar’s and unto God that which is God’s.”

#2:  And you let him off the hook with that answer?

#1:  The people loved it.  What could I do?

#2:  So why do you look like a mess?

#1:  It was how he did it,

#2:  How?  What do you mean?

#1:  First of all, he looked at all of us, including the Herodians, and said, again I quote: “You hypocrites, why do you keep trying to trick me?”

#2:  What did you say?

#1:  I didn’t get a chance to say anything.  The next thing you know, he is asking the crowd for a coin.  Someone coughs one up in an instant.

#2:  Why does Jesus need a coin?

#1:  Stay with me here.  He looks all around the crowd.  They are glued to his every word.  Then he says, “Whose image is on this coin?”

#2:  Well, that’s a no brainer.

#1:  Right.  Everyone cries out Caesar’s.

#2:  What else would they say, Susan B. Anthony?

#1:  Then Jesus tells everyone—but he is looking mostly at me.

#2:  And?

#1:  Give to Caesar the things that belong to Caesar and give to God the things that belong to God.

#2:  What did you do?

#1:  I high tailed it out of there.  I felt that I had been put through the wringer and everybody was doing all they could not to laugh in my face.  It was the worst moment of my life.

#2:  Cheer up.  We’ll get this guy.

#3:  Hey I know a guy who knows a guy…

#4:  Who is an expert in the law.  We will trap this Jesus yet.

#2:  OK, straighten up your phylactery and let’s go.

All depart the stage singing

We are Pharisees.  We wear our phylacteries.

We are Pharisees.  We got whupped by Jesus, you see.

We are Pharisees…

The end.