You might be a Pastor...

Not a skit or drama per se, but could be a monologue used for humor, perhaps during Pastor Appreciation Month. 

You might be a pastor…

If anyone has ever approached you saying only, “You know that verse about love in the Bible…” and expected you to give chapter and verse, then you might be a pastor.

If you gave them the exact verse they were looking for on your first offering, then you might be a pastor.

If people start running for the exits when you walk near the choir director’s microphone, then you might be a pastor.

If you find a typo in your notes in a single glance, but find one in the bulletin only after the last copy is made, then you might be a pastor.

If you chose your doctor and dentist based upon the version of the Bible they have in the waiting room, then you might be a pastor.

If you have considered a career change to TV producer—who wouldn’t watch CSI Golgotha, then you might be a pastor.

If you have a sermon to go with every down and distance likely to occur in a football game, then you might be a pastor.

If people feel obliged to purposefully interchange the world seminary and cemetery in light conversation around you, then you might be a pastor.

If other people you know interchange these two words believing them to be synonymous, then you might be a pastor.

If you have learned not to use words like synonymous in conversation so you don’t have to explain that it has nothing to do with sin or anonymity, then you might be a pastor.

If the minutes of the last meeting ever included the phrase, “everyone was in favor and the vote was anonymous,” then you might be a pastor--and you knew not to say anything.

If you can pick up a conversation when someone walks into your office after eight months and says, “You remember that thing we were talking about,” then you might be a pastor.

When looking at some of the more colorful Facebook posts of your congregation, the only comment that you can make on many of them is “so that grace may abound even more,” then you might be a pastor.

If someone asks you where the dish is that they brought to the fellowship meal three years ago, then you might be a pastor.

If you take them right to their dish without hesitation, then you might be a pastor.

If you have been microwaving your lunch in that same dish for the past two years, then you might be a pastor.

If you can’t remember what today is but do remember the lectionary selections, then you might be a pastor.

If people keep dropping off used dryers at your house because you talk about Lent for over a month each year, then you might be a pastor.

If you can find three sermons in every country and western song, then you might be a pastor.

Grumpiest Old Men - The John Wrap Up

 

 Grumpiest Old Men

John Wrap Up

 

Cast:  2 older men. These are longtime friends with much dryness to their banter.  

Set:  Anywhere a bench or 2 chairs may be set as a park bench.  Action proceeds in dialogue.  Script or notes may be hidden in props (newspaper) if used.  Both enter stage walking towards each other.

 

 

Putz

Bonehead

How’s it going.

I’m tired.

I can see that.

I need a unit of power.

Watt.

I said, I need a unit of power.

And I said Watt.  That’s a unit of power.

Ohmmmm.

An ohm is measured resistance.

What?

That’s power.  Watts are power.

You’re a jewel.

No, a joule is how we get to a watt.

What?

Exactly.  One joule per second produces a watt.

How in the world does your wife put up with you?

She doesn’t.  She sends me to talk to you.

Wonderful.  I’ll kept you current.

Current deals with amps.

What?

No watts are power. Amperes deal with current.

Can we talk about something besides electricity?

You brought it up.

What?

There you go again.  A watt is a measured unit of power.  One Joule per second is a watt.

Can we talk about something else?

Sure.  What’s on your mind?

Now you’re talking electricity.

What?

Exactly!

How about we talk about John’s gospel.  We both have been reading it.

Yes, we have.  You will have trouble in the world…

But take heart, I have overcome the world.

That’s some good stuff right there.  How about, as I have loved you…

So you must love one another.

By this everyone will know that you are my disciples…

If you love one another.

What do you think about this one?  I am the bread of life.

Our real sustenance is not food in the physical sense but God himself and his word.  Man shall not live by bread alone…

But by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God.

Try this one.  I am the light of the world.

That’s easy.  The world is dark.  God is light.  Live in the light.

Good one.

Here you go.  I am the door of the sheep.

Jesus is the only way.  He protects his flock.  We know his voice.

And, I am the good shepherd.

Others have come before pretending to be the shepherds of Israel.  Those just came to steal, kill, and destroy.  Jesus came as the Good Shepherd so we could really live.

Ok, keep it going.  I am the resurrection and the life.

Resurrection is less a special day on the eternal calendar as it is relationship with the eternal God whom we know through his Son, Christ Jesus.

I am the way the truth and the life.

The disciples wanted to see the Father.  Jesus said if you have seen me then you have seen him.  If you know me, then you know him. I am the only way to the Father.

I am the true vine.

It’s all about connection and relationship.  When we stay connected to God through Jesus and respond to the Spirit of God within us, we can produce some good fruit.

And everything that we do will be fruitful?

Sometimes God does a little pruning so we don’t waste our best efforts on things that don’t produce good fruit.

It’s sort of like you’re plugged in or you not.

If you are unplugged, you have no volts.

What?

Watts are power.

Ohmmmm…

Ohms are resistance.

I think that God is going to punish you for being so ornery.

He already has.

What?

Watts are power.

OK, how?  HOW has God punished you?

I have to talk with you every day.

[BOTH THROW THEIR HANDS IN THE AIR, STAND, AND START TO WALK AWAY]

Putz

Bonehead

[BOTH CONTINUE WALKING OFF STAGE]

God loves you.

Love one another.

God loves you.

Love one another.

Both together to the audience:  GOD LOVES YOU.

Audience responds:  LOVE ONE ANOTHER.

 

The end.

 

Grumpiest Old Men - COVID-19 Special

Grumpiest Old Men

COVID-19 Special

2 Timothy 1:7

Cast:  2 older men. These are longtime friends with much dryness to their banter.  

Set:  Anywhere  2 chairs may be set.  Distancing is part of the on-stage action.  Action proceeds in dialogue.  Script or notes may be hidden in props (newspaper) if used.  Both enter stage walking towards each other.

Lights up.

Putz

Bonehead

How’s things?  [Breaking out tape measurer to check for 6 feet in distance]

You know, different.  What in tarnation are you doing?

Checking that I have 8 feet distance.

The guidance is 6 feet.

They granted you an exception.

Well then yours should be 10 feet.

Ok so that 8 plus 10 is 18 divided by 2.  Never mind.  [Breaks out disinfectant and sprays]

[Waving hand in front of face]  Have you been drinking your Clorox?

No!

Why not?

I’m waiting for the gummies.

Of course.  Hey!  Guess what?

What?

I’ve been worshiping from home.

Good on ya.  Do you sing the songs?

You betcha!  Sometimes, I even get the words right.

And you listen to the sermon?

Of course.  Don’t you remember that much of our growth comes from suffering?

Yeah, OK.  Bet you are glad that you are not there for the offering.

What?  I mail mine in.  That’s between God and me.  It’s not a pew tax.  I am a cheerful giver

Wow!  You really are on top of things.

Not really.  I’m still not sure about what to do when things start to get back to normal, whatever that will be.

Why?

There’s the federal guidance and the state guidance and each business is doing its own thing.

OK.

And then there’s the church guidance but I’m also in the vulnerable group.

OK.

But surely people will think that I’m nonessential if I don’t show up.

That’s a lot of factors to consider right there.

I know.  I’m afraid that I won’t make the right decision.

That’s my cue right there.

What?

For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

So, I just rush boldly into the fray?

That’s not what I said.  Actually, Paul wrote this counsel to a young pastor and friend named Timothy.

I’m not a pastor.

The counsel is good for all of us.

Yeah, OK, but just not being afraid seems a little risky.

You need to listen to the second part of the counsel.

Which was?

You already get the part about what God did not give us.

A spirit of fear.  Got it.

But he did give us a spirit of power, love, and a sound mind. 

There is power, power, wonderworking power,

In the blood

Of the Lamb.

Together:  THERE IS POWER, POWER, WONDERWORKING POWER IN THE PRECIOUS BLOOD OF THE LAMB.

Oh no!  It’s the police.

We’re observing social distance.

Not the Distance Police you bonehead, the Music Police.

OK.  Try to act normal.

I think that’s a stretch for either one of us.

Look.  They are turning the other way.

Must have been the disinfectant.

OK, back to Paul’s counsel.  The second gift is love.  We live with the spirit of love.

[Singing]  All you need is love, love.  Love is all you need.  Love is all you need.

Don’t let the police hear you.

[Both hands go up to cover mouth] Oops!

Now to the third item on the list.

A sound mind?

Yes, a sound mind.

Are you accusing me of having a sound mind?

That’s not easy for me.

Now, I’m enjoying this part.

Happy Birthday!

That’s not until next month.  What did you get me?

Toilet paper.

You didn’t hoard toilet paper, did you?

No, but my neighbor did and now they are selling it for ten cents a roll.

But how do I practice a sound mind when I am afraid?

Good question.  Try this.

 Ready.

Use your sound mind to come up with your best courses of action.

OK.

Pick the best of the best.

OK, but I might still be afraid.

OK, but ask yourself:  What would I do if I were not afraid?

Well, obviously the best course of action, but I would still be afraid.

Then remember that fear is not from God.

So, I should trust in the Lord and the sound mind that he gave me.

Exactly!

OK.  I’ll do my best.

Hey!  Sorry to rush but I have to get out of here.

What’s up?

I drew some cheer you up pictures on my driveway with colored chalk. And the police are after me. 

The Corona Police?

No, the Art Police!

I’m distancing myself from you.  I’ve seen you draw.

Both exit.

The end.

Grumpiest Old Men - The James Wrap Up

Grumpiest Old Men

James Wrap Up

Cast:  2 older men. These are longtime friends with much dryness to their banter.  This cast also includes a cameo appearance by the Church Mouse.

Set:  Anywhere a bench or 2 chairs may be set as a park bench.  Action proceeds in dialogue.  Script or notes may be hidden in props (newspaper) if used.  Both enter stage walking towards each other.

Lights up.

[Dragging himself across the stage as if it was the end of the world] Putz

Bonehead

Morrrrning

What’s up with you

I fell off a 60-foot ladder.

And you are still walking?

Yeah, I was just on the first rung.

[Shaking head in disgust, then recomposing for the conversation] Do you remember when…

I’m sure I do.  I have the memory of an elephant.

Really?

Yeah, when I was 11 years old, I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.  I still remember it.

I can see how I put up with you, but I don’t know how your wife does.

Easy.  I am a whiz come romancing time.

Really?

Take this last Valentine’s Day.

I thought you thought that was a big commercial scam?

Yeah,  but it has its benefits.

Oh?

I’m in Walmart thinking of what I could get her.

Man, you go all out.

So, I thought, I could get her 2 roses for five bucks or a whole rotisserie chicken.

And?

She got a wing and a leg.  Took care of the romancing and dinner all in one deal.

You are a nut!

No, I went back on February 15^th and got her some half price candy.

Did she get you anything?

Well, yeah!  She got me the link on how to climb a 60-foot ladder all the way to the top.

Priceless!

That’s right, you don’t have to pay for those links.  That was some good shopping.

Have you tried to climb that ladder yet?

No, she had some papers I have to sign first.  It has to do with climbing the ladder.

Papers?

The were AD&D papers.  She said it was the Adult Domestic Device warranty papers.  I think it’s a federal law or and OSHA thing something like that.

Yeah, something like that.  Did you sign them?

Yep.

I think AD&D stands for Accident Death and Dismemberment.

Whatever.  She just said reach for the stars.  I knew that rotisserie chicken would win her over.

ENTER THE CHURCH MOUSE

HEY GUYS!

What?

What?

Hey!  It’s that church mouse.

HEY!  IT’S THOSE TWO GRUMPY MEN FROM CHURCH!

Grumpy?

Grumpy?

THIS IS COMING AS A SURPRISE TO YOU?

Well.

I don’t, well…

I THOUGHT YOU GUYS WERE SUPPOSED TO BE TALKING ABOUT THE BOOK OF JAMES ALL MONTH LONG.

I think we were talking about the letter to Ephesus in Revelation.

What?

Remember the height from which you have fallen and repent!

YOU GUYS ARE THE PERFECT OBJECT LESSONS FOR WHAT NOT TO DO!

What!

What!

DO YOU REMEMBER THE CHARGE TO BE DOERS OF THE WORD?

Yeah, of course, I remember.  I have the memory of an elephant.

WHAT?

[Holding up both hands palms forward] Don’t go there.

YEAH, OK, BUT INSTEAD OF SPENDING ALL OF YOUR TIME ON THIS BENCH DISCUSSING ALL MANNER OF THINGS INSIGNIFICANT, YOU COULD BE INVESTING YOUR TIME PUTTING YOUR MASTER’S WORDS INTO PRACTICE.

Now we are dealing with an investment mouse.

Maybe she can teach you to climb the ladder of success.

I think you just want my wife to collect that AD&D money.  I’m staying off any ladders for a while.

DID YOU GUYS LEARN ANYTHING THIS PAST MONTH?

Yes:  Powerful

Yes:  Effective

WHAT?

The prayers of a righteous person are powerful…

And effective. 

OK.  SO HOW DOES THIS AFFECT YOUR LIFE?

The more that people get to know us…

The more people who know us say, “I’ll pray for you guys!”

We have been effectively powered by prAyer.

YEAH, OK. GOTCHA.  I’VE GOT TO GO.  I HEARD THERE WAS A BIG MEAL IN THE MAKIN’ SO I’VE GOT PLANS TO MAKE TO GET ME ENOUGH FOOD FOR A WEEK.

Plans.  Did she say plans?

You lay those plans at the feet of Jesus.  You submit those plans to him.

I KNOW.  IF THE LORD WILLS IT.  I’M THERE EVERY SUNDAY AND I DO PAY ATTENTION.

MOUSE EXITS.

I have to go too.

Plans to make?

Nope.  I still have half of a rotisserie chicken to eat.

Anything else?

And a ladder to sell.

Both exit.

The end.

Grumpiest Old Men - More from James

Grumpiest Old Men

James Across the Board

Cast:  2 older men. These are longtime friends with much dryness to their banter.

Set:  Anywhere a bench or 2 chairs may be set as a park bench.  Action proceeds in dialogue.  Script or notes may be hidden in props (newspaper) if used.  Both enter stage walking towards each other.

Lights up.

Putz

Bonehead.

[Both take seats and break out a newspaper.]

So, how’s life treating you?

Are you kidding me?

No.  That’s what I always ask you.  Then you get grumpy.

Well, you would get grumpy too if you were reading a book that said to consider it pure joy when you face all sorts of trials.

Didn’t we go through that before?

No.  We talked about it before.  Now I’m going through it.

Oh.

And this being a doer of the word is no walk in the park either.

You mean actually putting the things that Jesus told us into practice.

That’s what I’m talking about.

OK.

And I also have to watch my tongue.

Did you get it pierced?

No.  I have to watch what I say.

Yeah, I guess we all have to do that, don’t we?

If we get it wrong, small words can start big controversies.

Like a spark starting a huge forest fire.

Yep.

You are going to be proud of me.  I mean this is brownie points stuff.  This is so, so, so big!!!

You got a humility award?

No.  I can’t even tell how much water is in the air.

That’s humidity.

I didn’t get that award either.

Maybe next year.

Yeah, maybe.  Hey!  Quit distracting me.  I’m doing something big this Sunday.

Singing a special?

No.

Goooood, because our insurance is void if you get within 10 feet of the choir microphone.

What?

Last time people thought you were going to sing; three people fell and we had two broken arms as everybody the rushed the exit.

Yeah, ok, but this is going to be big.

OK, what is it.

I’m coming in 30 minutes early this Sunday to prepare some VIP seating.  I’m going to put out the reserved signs like we do at funerals and have some of those petite bottles of water at the ready.  Would popcorn be too much?

What?

You’re right.  No popcorn.  Maybe granola bars.

No, I’m not talking about popcorn.  I’m talking about showing favoritism.

What’s wrong with that.  We might get a little credibility if we had some big shots around here.  Come on, everybody does it.

Credibility?

Yeah, we might get some church street cred if we got us a Rapper or millionaire or a politician.

This place that you are going to fancy up for the big shots is called what?

A sanctuary.  Everybody knows that.

Who is honored and revered and praised in that place?

Since we don’t have any bigshots, just God.

If it was full of big shots, who should be honored?

This is a trick question, isn’t it?

Only for you.

OK, only God should be honored.

What do you think the bigshots need more than special privileges?

I’m going to go with truth and ministry.  I think they get enough special privileges everywhere else.

Good answer.  Now what if someone who looks like they have been wearing the same clothes all week comes to worship.

That’s easy.  They can have those seats way in the back.  Out of sight.  Out of mind, you know.

What?

I have been spraying extra Lysol back in that corner, just in case.

Have you been reading the book of James?

Yes, sort of, I needed a break.

You needed a break?

OK, I just took a break.

Are you throwing in the towel?

No, I want to be a disciple of Jesus.

Not just a member of a cosmic country club?

No, I want to follow Jesus.

OK, we will meet each day from now on to talk about the day’s reading.

Sort of like an accountability partner.

Something like that.

It could be challenging.

I’m counting on it.  It should be pure joy!

OK, get this.  Two blondes walk into a building.

What?

You think one of them would have seen it.  [Laughs at own joke]

[Rolling his eyes] We will talk about taming the tongue tomorrow.  Get back to your reading.

Bonehead exits with palms up.  You think one of them would have seen it. [Laughing again].

Both exit.

The end

Grumpiest Old Men - James 2

Grumpiest Old Men

James 2

Cast:  2 older men. These are longtime friends with much dryness to their banter.

Set:  Anywhere a bench or 2 chairs may be set as a park bench.  Action proceeds in dialogue.  Script or notes may be hidden in props (newspaper) if used.  Both enter stage walking towards each other.

Lights up.

Putz

Bonehead.

[Both take seats and break out a newspaper.]

So, how’s life treating you?

You know, running the good race.

That’s good.  Paul’s second letter to Timothy.  Good stuff.  Run the good race, fight the good fight, keep the faith.  Good stuff.

So you have been running a good race yourself?

I just said the words, didn’t I?

I’m just trying to be a good listener.

Man, that’s fantastic.  Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry…

I was just thinking…

I’m not finished, because man’s anger can not bring about the righteous life that God desires.

[Sacastically]  Good stuff. [Rolls eyes at being interrupted].

Quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger—man, I get this stuff.

It’s like I said earlier.

What?  You said something?

That’s ok.  Forgive me for taking a turn in this conversation.

Not a problem.  Got you covered.  If we confess our sins, God is faithful and just to forgive.

That’s good stuff alright.  You confessed lately.

Not exactly.  But I know me some Bible.  Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

That’s a good one.  Are you putting your faith into practice?

What do you mean?  I just said you can’t see it.

What if you could see it?

That wouldn’t make sense.

What if by what I did, you knew that I had faith?

How does that even make sense?

What if there is more to our faith than just saying we have it?

It sounds like you want me to do stuff to earn my salvation.

Nope.

Sounds like it.  I am saved by grace through faith.  It’s in the Bible.  I think that Peter guy said it.

It was Paul.

Whatever.  I didn’t do anything to receive my salvation.

Couldn’t have said it better myself.

So, what’s with this doing stuff—works, deeds, whatever?

Since you asked…

I didn’t mean to.

What happened to quick to listen?

Give me a break.

God gave you—us—a big break.  Grace is bigtime.  Don’t you think we should do something in response to his incredible gift?

Yeah, ok, like what?

Put his words into practice.

That’s like the man that built his house on solid rock.

Exactly.  James would call that being a doer of the word.

That implies that I would need to do something.

Yep.

To get my salvation?

Nope.  Because you have received salvation.

So, faith and works work together?

Exactly.

As the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without works is dead.

Exactly.  Want to start putting some of God’s word into practice?

Sounds scary.

My turn.  For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind.

Yeah, OK.

So, you are up to putting God’s word into practice?

You mean being a doer of the word?

Yes.

Sure.  I wonder if there is an opening in the consulting department?

What!

I’m really good at giving my opinion.

I’m thinking there is an immediate opening for you in the slow to speak & quick to listen department.

[Palms upward feigning shock].

Both exit.

The end.

Month of the Bible Mouse

Month of the Bible Mouse

James 2-3

Cast:  1 person—adult or youth—who does not mind scurrying around on the stage.

Equipment:  Wireless microphone.  Costume optional.

Lights up

[Walking onstage and looking down and shaking head back and forth].

Unbelievable!  Totally unbelievable.  I can’t believe I did that.

We had been friends for years.  I wanted to share my New Year’s resolution with her—she had been my best friend for years. 

So, I said that this year I was going to be more tactful.  The next thing I know, I said to her:  I’ll bet yours is to lose weight and get your teeth straightened. 

Where did that come from?  I can’t believe the things that I say sometimes.

I really didn’t expect that it would cause the trouble that it did.  It was like a spark setting a whole forest on fire. 

It was like a tiny rudder on a big ship and the next thing you know the ship has turned into an iceberg.  I’ve got a Titanic Tongue and my ship is sinking.

You can tame about any animal that you want, but the human tongue is a wild beast.  If I was a horse, somebody would have put a bit in my mouth and bridled me. 

[Looking at the audience and surprised!]

Whoa!  Not whoa like you say to a horse—yes, I know I was using a horse reference—but whoa like when did you people get here?  Where did you come from?

I’m glad to see that you saved some good seats up front, just in case some celebrities show up.  Yeah, you had better treat them right.  They deserve the Red-Carpet Treatment.

I see that you have saved some seats for the undesirables in the back.  Sorry, some of those are already taken.  [Waving hands at the back seats].  At least you know where to sit.

OK, one for two isn’t bad.  You still have some reserved seats in case the big shots and high rollers come in.

What am I saying?  I can’t believe what I am saying this morning.  Save seats for the big shots.  Those are the same people that will drag you into court if you are late on your rent.  These are the same people who forget to pay you for cutting their grass.   Why would we show them favoritism?

That’s like mice showing the Terminator where to set traps and leave poison.  Why would we do that unless we had been brainwashed by the world?

Those that we might call undesirable might just have more hunger for the word of truth than most of us.  I think I have this upside down.

I need to get right-side up.  But what can I do?  I’m just a church mouse.  What can I do?

[Picks up a crumpled paper off the floor and reads it aloud].

IS YOUR WORLD UPSIDE DOWN?  DO YOU WANT TO TRY TO GET RIGHT SIDE UP?

JOIN US FOR THE MONTH OF THE BIBLE AS WE TAKE ON THE BOOK OF JAMES.

Note to the timid:  This will take you out of your comfort zone!

Now that sounds like it might be worth working into my busy schedule. 

[Looks at the audience.]  What do you say?  Are you up for the challenge?

[Begins to walk off, then stops.  Looks at audience].

You know what would be good?  Study the book of James all month and then have a big meal at the end.  I love the stuff that you guys bring for fellowship meals.

You guys keep on studying and get that meal together and I will work on what I say.  I mean you can’t curse and praise the Lord out of the same mouth, not if you really want to follow Jesus. 

And, of course, don’t feel guilty about dropping a whole deviled egg on the floor during the meal.  I will just consider it a good gift from above.

Every good gift is from above.

Later, church peeps!

Exit.